Have Happy Fun Time

Computer jokes

2009-11-26T06:10:00.001-08:00

'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly.

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Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken.

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Whats the chemical formula of compressed liquid oxygen?

O2.zip

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The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI ...

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Ive just loaded COLIN MCRAE HELICOPTER SIMULATOR on to my PC ... but it keeps crashing ...'

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A computer technician says "Why even have a 3-chip Hi-Def camcorder if you can't calibrate the white balance"!!!!!!!

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- How do two programmers make money?
- One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses

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A system administrator has 2 problems:

- dumb users
- smart users
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How do you tell if a blonde is using a computer?

Their's liquid paper all over the screen!

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"Knock, knock.Who's there?"
very long pause...
"Java."

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What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman?

The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.

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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Whose Son is he?

2009-11-19T03:47:00.000-08:00

Inspiration for this funny hilarious joke
About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail Gorbachev at the Kremlin. When he got him alone for a moment, he said to Gorbachev, ''Mikhail, can you help me with a problem? I have some doubts about one of the key people under me. How do you decide that someone is smart enough to work for you?''

''Well, when I was interviewing Eduard Shevardnadze, I asked him, 'Eduard, who is the son of your father but not your brother?'''
''What did he say?'' Bush asked.

''He said, 'that's me,' so I hired him.'' Bush patted Gorbachev on the shoulder. ''Thanks, Mikhail. That's a great idea.'' As soon as he got back to Washington, Bush called Dan Quayle over to the White House.

''Dan,'' he said, ''I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father but not your brother?'' Quayle looked rather puzzled. ''Can I get back to you on that in 24 hours, Mr. President?'' He was very troubled by this question. He kept thinking about it and thinking about it, but couldn't get anywhere. Finally, the thought struck him, ''I'll ask Jim Baker. He's a smart guy.'' Quayle called Baker on the phone.

''Jim, I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?''

''That would be me,'' Baker replied. Quayle broke into a big smile.
''Thanks, Jim. You've helped me out big time.'' He went running to the West Wing and burst into the Oval Office. ''Mr. President, I have the answer!''
''Okay, Dan. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?''
''It's Jim Baker!'' said Quayle.
''No,'' said Bush. ''It's Shevardnadze.''

All alone

2009-10-28T19:06:00.001-07:00

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!

Necrophiliac

2009-09-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.

Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive erection she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behaviour.

"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and he surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't you give it a try too?"

"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."

And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too!

Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!"

"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."

Insult

2009-09-28T02:18:00.001-07:00

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Collection of Famous Quotes

2009-09-11T02:31:00.001-07:00

> 1.That ball went so high it could have got an airhostess down with it.

> 2.There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's of an
incoming train which will run them over.

> 3.Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.

> 4.Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.

> 5.Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!

> 6.He is like Indian three-wheeler, which will suck a lot of diesel but
cannot go beyond 30!

> 7.The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend,
that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world, which does not have wings!

> 8. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.

> 9. The ball whizzes past like a bumblebee and the Indians are in the sea.

> 10. The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin in a haystack.

> 11. The pitch is as dead as a dodo.

> 12. Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!

> 13. The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at
Rajendra Talkies in Patiala..! one falls and everything else falls!

> 14.Indian team without Sachin is like giving a Kiss without a Squeeze.

> 15. You cannot make Omlets without breaking the eggs.

> 16. Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goalkeeper. He must be
given a free transfer to Manchester United.

> 17. He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.

> 18. One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.

> 19. Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.

> 20. Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.

> 21. You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.

> 22. The cat with gloves catches no mice.

> 23. Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.

> 24. You may have a heart of gold, but so does! a hard-boiled egg.

> 25. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.

> 26. The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the
same reason.

> 27. The world is all about mind and matter, I don't mind and U don't
matter...

> 28. In London they drive on the left, in India we drive on what is left!

Little Johnny And Jenny

2009-09-07T01:28:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they
just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so
Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me
and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith
replies, "Well Johnny,you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny
replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both
fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says
with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to
get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance..
Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine"
By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny
has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying
to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr.Smith says, "Well Johnny,it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for
you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Mr. Smith faints.............

A Good Fortune

2009-09-02T06:22:00.000-07:00

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG !
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he
thinks. Then he hears the
voice again: I SAID, DIG !

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some
inches, he finds a small
chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN !

Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which
to destroy the lock,
and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !

Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest
and walks to the
casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE !

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and
goes to one of the tables,
where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27 !

He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly
bursts. Everybody is quiet
when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stops at the 26.
The deep voice says: SHIT !

Australian Joke AKA Aussie Joke

2009-08-30T06:15:00.001-07:00

A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"

The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bruce here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn.
After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.

The Sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit,
so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"

"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bruce here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!...

You fancy comin' along?

Hurt or Heal

2009-08-30T05:57:00.000-07:00

I'm sure the majority of people here are familiar with the premise, but just to summarize for those who aren't: you're allowed to add or subtract a total of 4 points to current entries on the list; when an entry gets down to zero points, they're eliminated. The last entry remaining wins.
It doesn't matter how you distribute the points, so long as you don't exceed 4. For example, I could heal Metroid for 4, or damage Super Mario Brothers and Donkey Kong Country for 1 each and heal The Legend of Zelda for 2. Using the votes of other people is not allowed.You can either heal or hurt.

The theme for this game is, obviously, game series.

Advance Wars 20
Castlevania 20
Donkey Kong Country 20
Final Fantasy 20
Gran Turismo 20
Halo 20
The Legend of Zelda 20
Mega Man 20
Metal Gear 20
Metroid 20
Pokemon 20
Resident Evil 20
Sonic 20
Street Fighter 20
Super Mario Brothers 20

To start: Halo -2.
Copy and paste the the last entries...

An Electric Fence

2009-08-28T07:06:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let you know I have new electric fence. Tested it out 2 days ago and that it works great!

I had the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the old fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..

Two days ago I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all..

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences......but Dad always had those pieces of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'.. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from itsowner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumb###h now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

The Economy is so bad

2009-08-24T01:01:00.000-07:00

The Economy Is So Bad That…

* I got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.
* Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
* Parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.
* I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.
* Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
* A prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.
* I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border into Mexico.
* I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.
* Even people who aren’t in Barack Obama’s cabinet aren’t paying taxes.

Oh wait, that’s only 9 of them… darn recession is scaling down everything.

The Dumb Racist

2009-08-22T00:26:00.000-07:00

So, a guy came to my hosting site to sign up. He comes on live support and says this:

The Dark Assassin: Hello John
John: Hi! How may I help you?
The Dark Assassin: are you a ~censored~?
John: Hello Dark Assassin.
The Dark Assassin: are you a ~censored~?
John: No I'm not. Thanks and have a great day.

TDA@live.com
xx.70.000.111

Then he comes on this forum and PM's me.

Excuse me?

I never said that, that was not me, I have just gone to your site to sign up

HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF RACISM!!!!

So I ban his IP. He replies.

First off, That is not my Email, Second Off, that isn't my ip address

Please un ban that ip!

Read the last two lines..

Then he cries a bit more.

Well I do because you banned it!!!

Well, if you are going to be a tosspot, and let people do this, then I really hope your site fails

***TIME TO GO TO PROXY***

The last two lines just crack me up. Fail.

Oh and guess what he's still coming on live support and crying. Sad. Fail.

Two Nuns

2009-08-19T17:19:00.000-07:00

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we! do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened! . I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

2009-08-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, “T-G-I-F.”

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.”

She looked puzzled and repeated, “T-G-I-F,” more slowly.

He again answered, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F.”

The man smiled back to her and once again, “S-H-I-T.”

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

‘T-G-I-F’ means ‘Thank Goodness It’s Friday.’ Get it, duuhhh?”

The man answered, “‘S-H-I-T’ means ‘Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.’”

H1N1 Flu Alert [picture]

2009-08-13T20:59:00.001-07:00

If you look like this (see the picture below)in the morning when you wake up then please do not come to office or go to any other place. Scientists have discovered the visual symptom of the H1N1 virus.

PS: on more serious note be really aware!

Heights of Revenge

2009-08-12T18:27:00.000-07:00

The best of all

Information Technology Humor

2009-08-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

Thirty-one ways to make a girl smile

2009-08-05T01:51:00.001-07:00

1. Don't hug her friends or your friends that are girls cause she'll feel left out
2. Hold her hand at any moment . . . even if it's just for a second.
3. Hug her from behind
4. Leave her voice messages to wake up.
5. Wrestle with her
6. Don't go hang out with your ex when shes not with you, you might not realize how badly it hurts her.
7. If you're talking to another girl, when you're done talking, walk over and
hug her and kiss her.... let her know she's yours and they aren't.
8. Write her notes or call her just to say "hi"..and not just at night after you've already been out with other girls.
9. Introduce her to your friends . . . as your girlfriend.
10. Play with her hair.
11. Pick her up
12. Get upset if another guy touches her and she doesn't like it.
13. Make her laugh, if you can make her laugh, you can make her do
anything.
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms.
15. If she's mad at you, kiss her.
16. If you care about her, then tell her
17. Every guy should give their girl 3 things: a stuffed animal(she'll hug it every time she goes to sleep), jewelry (she'll treasure it forever), and one of his t-shirts (she'll most likely wear it to bed).
18. Treat her the same around your friends as you do when you're alone.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile.
20. Hang out with her on weekends
21. Kiss her in the rain
22. Kiss her just for the heck of it
23. If your listening to music, let her listen too.
24. Remember her birthday and get her something, even if
it's simple and inexpensive, it came from YOU. it means all the world to HER. it's the thought that counts.
25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it, even if you don't (it'll make her happy.)
26. Always call her when you say you will, it may not seem like it, but it does hurt her and makes her think you don't care so call even if you can only talk for a minute. Girls don't necessarily have to have hour-long conversations every night but it's nice for us to hear your voice even for a quick hello.
27. Give her what she wants
28. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most.
29. Tell her she's beautiful, she needs to know her striving is working.
30. Hang out with her whenever you are free and u should be free to hang
with your girlfriend all the time
31. If u care about her...SHOW it!

Tommy Cooper Jokes

2009-08-01T06:56:00.001-07:00

Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message ... 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'

I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

'That's the Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rotweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What, because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy.'

A guy goes into the doctor's.

'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'

'How's that?'

'Don't you start!'

Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's not me so it's either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round.'

The other one says, 'So are you, you fat lump!'

Police arrested two kids yesterday.

One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctor and said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to rise as digging continues into the night

Hidden Meanings

2009-07-28T01:34:00.001-07:00

Smile :- A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Rumor :- News that travels at the speed of sound.

Dictionary:- The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

College :- A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.

Ecstasy :- A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Office :- A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.

Yawn :- The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. :- A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee :- Individuals who can do nothingÂ individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Classic :- A book which people praise, but do not read.

Marriage :- It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master's.

Worry :- Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

Experience:- The name men give to their mistakes.

Tears :- The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.

Atom Bomb :- An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher:-A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat :- A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Optimist :- A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser :- A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father :- A banker provided by nature.

Criminal :- A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught.
Boss :- Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:- One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor :- A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Software Engineer:- Who is paid for reading this mail.

Who Is Clever - Teacher Or Student ?

2009-07-28T01:16:00.000-07:00

One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night And Didn't
Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as
dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and
said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return
the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way
back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked
him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as
this was a Special Condition Test, All four were required to sit in
separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name........ ......... ........( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst ?............ ....( 98 MARKS )

a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right .....!!!

Why parents have gray hair: joke

2009-07-22T00:24:00.001-07:00

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was simply addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Scenarious in Various Parts of India

2009-07-20T01:12:00.001-07:00

Scenario 1

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right. You are in Kolkata

******

Scenario 2

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on. That's Mumbai

******

Scenario 3

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. The first two get together & beat him up. That's Delhi

******

Scenario 4

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a chai-stall. That's Ahmedabad.

******

Scenario 5

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes he writes a software program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn't stop b'cos of a bug in the program. That's Bangalore

******

Scenario 6

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this nonsense. Peace comes in. That's Chennai.

******

Scenario 7

Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting. You are DEFINITELY IN HARYANA

School Exam Answers

2009-07-16T21:49:00.000-07:00

Here are some great answers that students have given at their exams.. Some are really Funny..

The Perfect PC

2009-07-10T01:25:00.000-07:00

After going through a virus attack, losing a hard drive,
fighting off hackers,installing fire-walls, being threatened with being cut off by my email provider,and a host of other problems...

I have fixed my computer...

and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!

Funny Internet Jokes

2009-07-07T03:15:00.000-07:00

Use more soap

A woman sends her clothing out to the local laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry, "Use more soap on panties."

Finally fed up, the laundry man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."

-----------------------------

Poor President Obama

It was once said that a black man would be president, "when pigs fly!"

Indeed, 100 days into Obama's presidency...... the Swine Flu!

-----------------------------

Sunbathing Naked

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you ' d lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren ' t so ugly it would lift itself

FUNNY REDNECK POETRY CONTEST

2009-07-07T03:11:00.001-07:00

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and
a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes
to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The
word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they
thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and
recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

Childrens's letter to God

2009-07-05T01:22:00.000-07:00

Dear God,
Can you pleeze pleeze give me Billy Mays back and take Vince the Sham Wow Guy instead? Billy Mays was funny on TV and Mommy said Billy Mays always played nice and payed in full and never hit her like the Sham wow Guy did, and that's why Mommy bitted his tounge.

Sincerely,
Kaila

Dear God,
Teacher sayws we has to rite you letters, so i want to write you this letter. How come you made David caradeen die ? My dad likes him in the kun-fu muvies, and i likes him to in kill Bill. How come you can not kill Stevin segal instead ? He has made no good movies ever since under Seej 2 dark territory. Please recunsider and make steven segal choke his pee pee instead of caradeen to do it.

Thanks,
Carrie

How to determine the sex of a fish?

2009-06-28T19:36:00.000-07:00

The easiest way to determine the sex of a fish..

Is Your Dad Home ?

2009-06-27T08:37:00.000-07:00

A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened
the door.

"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked. "Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"? "No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"? "He went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.â€

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment.

"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."

Is it Michael Jackson

2009-06-26T02:08:00.000-07:00

is it Michael Jackson
little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?

mummy: why god is both girl and boy

little boy: mummy is god black or white?

mummy: why god is both black and white

little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?

mummy: why god is both gay and strait

little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?

New Password !

2009-06-22T23:54:00.000-07:00

New Password !

Little Johnny in Drawing Class

2009-06-22T02:29:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny in Drawing Class

Know Who Works For You

2009-06-18T21:56:00.001-07:00

On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning
against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and
calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal
question, but he replied, nonetheless," I earn R2 000.00 a month,
Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed
R6000.00 cash, gave it to the young man and said,

"Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around
looking pretty! Here is 3 months' salary, now GET OUT and don't
come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.

Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner,
"And that applies for everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the
young man that I just fired?"

To which the employee responded quietly, "He was the pizza
delivery man, Sir!"

Family Relations

2009-06-18T21:53:00.001-07:00

Many years ago, when I was 23 I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

Language Joke

2009-06-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which
was
the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in
plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the
silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl rite n styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.

How To Tweak Vista To Gain Full Advantage

2009-06-16T01:19:00.000-07:00

How To Tweak Vista To Gain Full Advantage, below is the proof.

Aliens

2009-06-15T03:20:00.001-07:00

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his ~censored~ around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"

Hot Car of the year

2009-06-13T05:11:00.000-07:00

This gotta be the hot car of the year...

Women's Favorite Post of the Year!

2009-06-11T21:28:00.001-07:00

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman..

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 01P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,

Dust,

And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids,

And put them to bed.

At 09 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.

Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'

Cop Vs. Little Girl

2009-06-10T23:10:00.000-07:00

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket
for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on
the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse
you've got there Sir.. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top !

Million Dollar Seat for Girls

2009-06-09T18:39:00.001-07:00

This is the million dollar worth seat for girls in the picture below.

Sexy Typos

2009-06-05T02:19:00.001-07:00

A few of the all-time sexiest cover-letter excerpts, cut-and-pasted here for your intimate pleasure:

“I am looking for work in the Tri-City Area; my schedule is completely open and I am willing to work anytime. I assure you that I am a good, hard person who loves his co-workers.”

. . .and. . .

“You will notice that I didn’t work for part of 2002 because I was at home dick.”

. . .and. . .

“I worked in front office in Russia but I can be trusted to work in your rear.”

. . .and. . .

“I am planning to become a penile corrections officer.”

. . .and. . .

“I am willing to stay late and get dirty.”

. . .and. . .

“I want to grow in my new fellow team members”

Our Main Man of Change

2009-06-04T03:31:00.000-07:00

This is how it is!!!

There was a Pied Piper who said, We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change it!
*And the people said, Change is good!

Then he said, We are going to tax the rich fat-cats,*And the people said, Sock it to them!
and redistribute their wealth.
*And the people said, Show me the money!
And then he said, Redistribution of wealth is good for everybody
*And Joe the plumber said, are you kidding me? And Joe's personal records were hacked and publicized.*And one lone reporter asked, Isn't that Marxist policy?
And she was banished from the kingdom!
Then someone asked,With no foreign relations experience, how will you deal with radical terrorists?
And the Pied Piper said, Simple. I'll sit down and talk with them and show them how nice we really are and they'll forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!
Then the Pied Piper said, l'll give 95% of you lower taxes.
*And one, lone voice said, But 40% of us don't pay ANY taxes.
So the Pied Piper said, Then I'll give you some of the taxes the fat-cats pay!
*And the people said, Show me the money!
Then the Pied Piper said, I'll tax your Capital Gains when you sell your homes!
*And the people yawned and the slumping housing market collapsed.
And he said, I'll mandate employer- funded health care for EVERY worker and raise the minimum wage.
*And the people said, Gimme some of that!
Then he said, I'll penalize employers who ship jobs overseas.
*And the people said, Where's my rebate check?
Then the Pied Piper actually said, I'll bankrupt the coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!
*And the people said, Coal is dirty, coal is evil, no more coal! But we don't care for that part about higher electric rates.
So the Pied Piper said, Not to worry. If your rebate isn't enough to cover your expenses, we'll bail you out. Just sign up with ACORN and your troubles are over! Then he said, illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted. Let's grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education, free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and guaranteed housing.
*And the people said, Ole`! Bravo! And they made him King!
And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid off workers. Others simply gave up and went out of business and the economy slowed even further. Then the Pied Piper said, I am the Messiah and I'm here to save you! We'll just print more money so everyone will have enough! But our foreign trading partners said, Wait a minute. Your dollar isn't worth what it was. You'll have to pay more.
*And the people said, Wait a minute. That's not fair!
And the world said, Neither are these other, idiotic programs you've embraced. You've become a Socialist state and a second-rate power. Now you'll play by our rules!
*And the people said, What have we done?
But it was too late.
If you think this is a fairy tale, open your eyes and ears. It's happening RIGHT NOW!
Did you know the president's name is really an acronym OneBigAssMistakeAmerica

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

-Will Rogers

Little Johnny... Know It All

2009-06-03T06:45:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

James Cameron reacts to Terminator Salvation

2009-06-02T18:21:00.001-07:00

See, Chinese Characters Aren't Hard To Understand

2009-05-31T18:32:00.000-07:00

The funniest Chinese letter for me is "two server racks"

Win $10,000

2009-05-29T02:41:00.001-07:00

A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details".

He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". the drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. the bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step...
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an aligator with a sore tooth. if you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three...
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. she has never been satisfied by any man. if you can satisfy her, you win the money!"

The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. he belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. he orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".

Sex Pistol

2009-05-27T02:40:00.002-07:00

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem...

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.

At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to cum and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?". The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife pee on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

Medical school

2009-05-27T02:40:00.001-07:00

First-year students at Texas A & M's Vet school were attending their first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a White sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, touched his finger in the mouth of the dead pig, withdrew it and put his Finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns putting their finger in the mouth of the dead pig and tasted in their mouth.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second most important quality is observation. I touched with my middle Finger and tasted on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention…

Moral: “Life is tough, but it’s a lot tougher when you’re a stupid”

Being a Bully Seems Awesome

2009-05-26T03:15:00.000-07:00

Being a Bully Seems Awesome

Marital Counseling

2009-05-23T07:50:00.000-07:00

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

The FBI

2009-05-15T18:47:00.001-07:00

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?" "Yep."

"Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep."

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Bill Gates vs. Michael Jordan

2009-05-13T00:31:00.000-07:00

Michael Jordan made over $300,000/game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averaged about 30 minutes per game.

Assuming $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he slept 7 hrs a night, he made $52,000 every night.

If he goes to a movie, he'll pay $7.00, but he'll make $18,550.

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

In one year, he made more than 2X as much as past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it? . . .
BUT:
JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS
TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.

Little Girl on A Plane

2009-05-11T18:58:00.000-07:00

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea...'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
shiit?

Example of Bad Parenting

2009-05-06T19:07:00.000-07:00

Example of Bad Parenting..

Monalisa

2009-05-06T19:03:00.000-07:00

Monalisa portraits photoshoped..

Irish Ghost Story

2009-05-02T19:44:00.001-07:00

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like
an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its said to be true!!!!!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly
coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without
thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise
there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then,
just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through
the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as
the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so,
gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of
breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible
experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying
and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
the other...

'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while
we were pushing it!!!!'

Chalk hits a teacher on her stomach

2009-04-29T19:34:00.000-07:00

In a class one day after the bell had rang it took some time for the next teacher yo come to class. So the students began to play chalk fight. Initially it started off with a few guys but later on more and more kept joining in and later on it was like a war being fought with chalks.

After a while the teacher whose lecture it was made her way to the class. Now this particular teacher was pregnant. On opening the class door one of the boys aiming to hit is friend threw the chalk hard but it missed the friend and went and hit the teacher on her stomach.

The teacher gave a slight scream ahhh cause it hit her pretty hard. The teacher then got really angry. There was silence in the class. The teacher then asked in a loud voice. "Who is responsible for this??" From the middle one of the students going unnoticed said a bit loud "Your Husband"

The whole class burst out laughing. Hahahahaha

I hope you'll get the joke Wink

Revenge

2009-04-27T01:27:00.000-07:00

Amazing English Language Oddities

2009-04-27T01:23:00.001-07:00

25. “Rhythms” is the longest English word without the normal vowels, a, e, i, o, or u.

24. Excluding derivatives, there are only two words in English that end -shion and (though many words end in this sound). These are cushion and fashion.

23. “THEREIN” is a seven-letter word that contains thirteen words spelled using consecutive letters: the, he, her, er, here, I, there, ere, rein, re, in, therein, and herein.

22. There is only one common word in English that has five vowels in a row: queueing.

21. Soupspoons is the longest word that consists entirely of letters from the second half of alphabet.

20. “Almost” is the longest commonly used word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.

19. The longest uncommon word whose letters are in alphabetical order is the eight-letter Aegilops (a grass genus).

18. The longest common single-word palindromes are deified, racecar, repaper, reviver, and rotator.

17. “One thousand” contains the letter A, but none of the words from one to nine hundred ninety-nine has an A.

16. “The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” is said to be the toughest tongue twister in English.

15. Cwm (pronounced “koom”, defined as a steep-walled hollow on a hillside) is a rare case of a word used in English in which w is the nucleus vowel, as is crwth (pronounced “krooth”, a type of stringed instrument). Despite their origins in Welsh, they are accepted English words.

14. “Asthma” and “isthmi” are the only six-letter words that begin and end with a vowel and have no other vowels between.

13. The nine-word sequence I, in, sin, sing, sting, string, staring, starting (or starling), startling can be formed by successively adding one letter to the previous word.

12. “Underground” and “underfund” are the only words in the English language that begin and end with the letters “und.”

11. “Stewardesses” is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand.

10. Antidisestablishmentarianism listed in the Oxford English Dictionary, was considered the longest English word for quite a long time, but today the medical term pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is usually considered to have the title, despite the fact that it was coined to provide an answer to the question ‘What is the longest English word?’.

9. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.

8. There are many words that feature all five regular vowels in alphabetical order, the commonest being abstemious, adventitious, facetious.

7. The superlatively long word honorificabilitudinitatibus (27 letters) alternates consonants and vowels.

6. “Fickleheaded” and “fiddledeedee” are the longest words consisting only of letters in the first half of the alphabet.

5. The two longest words with only one of the six vowels including y are the 15-letter defenselessness and respectlessness.

4. “Forty” is the only number which has its letters in alphabetical order. “One” is the only number with its letters in reverse alphabetical order.

3. Bookkeeper is the only word that has three consecutive doubled letters.

2. Despite the assertions of a well-known puzzle, modern English does not have three common words ending in -gry. Angry and hungry are the only ones.

1. “Ough” can be pronounced in eight different ways. The following sentence contains them all: “A rough-coated, dough-faced ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough, coughing and hiccoughing thoughtfully.

Little Johnny - The salesman

2009-04-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467," cried the teacher, "what in the world were you selling?"

"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny. "Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "how could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Chip and Dip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing... 'Hey, this tastes like ~love~!'

Then I would say, "It is ~love~. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" ......... .

Dear Dad....

2009-04-17T04:59:00.001-07:00

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I m writing you, but I m leaving home.I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I ve been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you ll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it s not only the passion Dad, I m pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway,42 isn tso old these days is it?),and has no money, really these things shouldn t stand in the way of our relationship,don t you agree? Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It s true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he ll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that s now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn t really hurt anyone and he ll be growing it for us and we ll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don t worry Dad, I m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I m sure we ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I m over at the neighbour s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that s in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!!!

Amazing Optical Illusion

2009-04-13T19:05:00.000-07:00

Man calls police after marijuana plants stolen

2009-04-13T19:03:00.000-07:00

Man calls police after marijuana plants stolen, will you be like this man ?...

Happy Valentine Day Dear

2009-04-11T05:59:00.000-07:00

I, Computer

2009-04-09T01:03:00.000-07:00

I,Computer...

Paid to Make his Friends Wife Pregnant.. and Failed

2009-04-08T01:38:00.000-07:00

A true story from Germany
Paid to Make his Friends Wife Pregnant.. and Failed

Before and After Marriage Actions

2009-04-04T19:48:00.000-07:00

BEFORE MARRIAGE!!!!

John: Ah..At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane: Do you want me to leave?
John: No! don't even think about it
Jane: Do you love me?
John: Of Course! Always did and always will
Jane: Have you ever cheated on me?
John: No!Why are you even asking?
Jane: Will you kiss me?
John: Every chance I get!
Jane: Will you hit me?
John: Hell no! Are you crazy?
Jane: Can I trust you?
John: Yes
Jane: Darling

AFTER MARRIAGE!!!

Read from the Bottom back to Top

Meaning of... 'potentially' and 'realistically'

2009-03-31T03:00:00.000-07:00

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."

What a Loving Husband...

2009-03-30T02:25:00.000-07:00

Seven Reasons Why You Shouldn't Mess With A Child

2009-03-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

Reasons why you shouldn't mess with a child

Reason 1
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Reason 2
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."

Reason 3
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Reason 4
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Reason 5
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the teacher, she's dead. "

Reason 6
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

Reason 7
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take
all you want - God is watching the apples.

Watchmen: Leaked Game Footage [NSFW]

2009-03-24T03:06:00.000-07:00

Here is the much awaited leaked footage of the upcoming Watchmen video game. It's dong-tacular! NSFW

I guess you all liked Dr. Manhattan's fight... :)

How They Have Sex

2009-03-23T01:11:00.000-07:00

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

Funny Toilet Photos | Creative Minds

2009-03-20T18:46:00.000-07:00

The funny toilet photos collection which are works of creative minds.

Toilet of Geeks

Women's Toilet

Toilet of Beautician

The 'Love' Dress

2009-03-17T02:49:00.000-07:00

A woman stopped by at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Bilingual Lawyer Joke

2009-03-12T20:38:00.000-07:00

Bilingual Lawyer

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Top 16 Police Comments

2009-03-10T20:49:00.000-07:00

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16 “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

#15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

#14 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you.”

#11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

#10 “Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

#9 “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

#6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

#5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”

#3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

#2 “I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

AND THE WINNER IS….

#1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

Boyfriend And Husband In Versions Like Web 2.0

2009-03-05T18:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and PremierLeague 7.2. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed:

Desperate Wife

(keep reading)

- - - - -Reply Separator- - - - -

Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause damage, with Husband 1.0 defaulting to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create “Snoring Loudly” wave files.

Be especially cautious about the HotChik virus – it’s programmed to corrupt Husband 1.0 utterly (as well as all future Husband upgrades).

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

I Hate My Job Day

2009-03-04T00:27:00.000-08:00

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully . You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

' Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized . '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

.........Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart; Maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!!!

6 Babies after Twin Daughters

2009-03-01T19:08:00.000-08:00

I feel the parents are very lucky to have so lovely babies along with twin daughters. All babies look so cute hm....

The Ravaging Effects of Alcohol! . ..very cute!!!!!

2009-02-23T00:38:00.000-08:00

After 6 Beers

After 2 Glasses Of Wine

After 2 Bottles of Wine - Shared of course

After 7 Rum & Cokes

After 1 Large Purple Haze

After 3 Martinis

After 1 Bottle Of Tequila

Never Cheat On Your Wife | Funny Pictures

2009-02-20T00:24:00.000-08:00

Mona Lisa Portrait | Funny Photoshoped

2009-02-18T23:27:00.000-08:00

If you are unsure who's portrait is this, then its ofcourse the world's most expensive Portrait of Mona Lisa. This time its been photoshoped to make you laugh..
PHOTOSHOPED PORTRAIT OF MONA LISA [SCARY ONE]

ORIGINAL PORTRAIT OF MONA LISA

Don't Test My English Horror

2009-02-18T18:02:00.000-08:00

You might like it. This is hilarious... ..even
an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to Malaysians and Singaporeans.

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10.

Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....
1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down! I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.

Funny Photos Which Make You Laugh

2009-02-17T23:24:00.000-08:00

RANDOM FUNNIEST PICTURES TO AMUSE YOU. ENJOY THE FUNNY PHOTOS BELOW

A Letter To Dad|Humor

2009-02-17T18:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
:lol:
Love,
Dad

An Absolutely Brilliant Joke | Enjoy

2009-02-16T23:29:00.000-08:00

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the
ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman
said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-
she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she
wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make
your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than
you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a
mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't
mess with them.

Attention
female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue
feeling good!

Male
readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times
"milder" than his wife!!!

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart .

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

This is to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour :)

ENJOY....................

Funny humor jokes

2009-02-15T23:58:00.000-08:00

Ques: Do You Know
Which Animal Has Good
Manner?

Ans: Cat

Why?
Because It Always Asks
Permission Before
Coming Inside
'Maiauon'

Police arrested a drunkard & askd: Where r u going?

Man: I'm going 2 listen lecture on ill effects of drinking.

Cop: Who'll lecture at midnight?

Man: My wife...

Funny & Dangerous Female Drivers

2009-02-15T18:55:00.001-08:00

Yet another funny video of dangerous female drivers from youtube

Funniest Pictures of All The Time Again

2009-02-14T23:42:00.000-08:00

Yet another funniest pictures collection which will make you definitely Laugh Out Loud. Enjoy the funniest pictures below..

If A Student Makes a Mistake...

2009-02-14T21:23:00.000-08:00

If a BARBER makes a mistake, it's a new style....... ......... .....

*********

If a DRIVER makes a mistake, it's an accident.... ......... ........

*********

If a DOCTOR makes a mistake, it's an operation... ......... ........

*********

If an ENGINEER makes a mistake, it is a new venture..... ......... .

*********

If a POLITICIAN makes a mistake, it is a new law......... .........

*********

If a SCIENTIST makes a mistake, it is a new invention... ......... .

*********

If a TAILOR makes a mistake, it is a new fashion..... ......... ....

*********

If a TEACHER makes a mistake, it is a new theory...... ......... ...

*********

If a STUDENT makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE" !!!!!!!!!!!! !

Funny Engineering Students Joke

2009-02-13T00:58:00.001-08:00

How many first year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
Ans: None. That's a second year subject.

How many second year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
Ans:One, but the rest of the class copies the report.

How many third year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
Ans:"Will this question be in the final examination?"

How many civil engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Ans:Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.

How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Ans: None. They simply redefine darkness as the industry standard.

How many computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Ans: "Why bother? The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway."

How many mechanical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Ans: Five. One to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, one to calculate the force required, one to design a tool with which to turn the bulb, one to design a comfortable - but functional - hand grip, and one to use all this equipment.

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?Ans:Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

How Indian Mind Works| A True Example

2009-02-13T00:50:00.000-08:00

NOT A STORY BUT A TRUE INCIDENT

An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Indian man hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?

The Indian replies:
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the Indian...
This is why India is shining

Professional Funny Geek Jokes

2009-02-12T01:46:00.000-08:00

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat.

---------------------------

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

Top Ten Things Engineering School didn't Teach You

2009-02-12T01:40:00.000-08:00

1)There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
2)Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
3)Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
4)Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
5)Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
6)Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
7)Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
8)Always try to fix the hardware with software.
9)If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
10)Dilbert is not a comic strip, it's a documentary.

Can You Read It ?

2009-02-10T06:20:00.000-08:00

Only great minds can read this .

This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can..

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Do You Think You are Smart? Then Try Answering These

2009-02-10T06:04:00.000-08:00

Think You Are Smart ? Try Answering These

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this! Are you?

Third Question:

Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?

Answer : Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Check with your calculator!

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary . Read the question again

Fifth Question:

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Answer : He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

To view answers highlight the the area after Answer with your mouse.

Humor | Some Facts About Sex

2009-02-08T18:37:00.000-08:00

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_______________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reebok's.

Some facts about sex FYI(For Your Information)

-Male and female rats may have sex twenty times a day.
-22% of American women aged 20 gave birth while in their teens. In Switzerland and Japan, only 2% did so.
-Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium!
-For every 'normal' web page, there are five porn pages.
-Sex is biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate.
-A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.
-When swans go on a date, they'll put their heads together. Then they stick together for life.
-The word "gymnasium" comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means "to exercise naked."
-There are men in Guam whose job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the 1st time
-Sex burns 360 calories per hour
-Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.
-The average person spends 2 weeks of its life kissing.
-The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
-Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds. :eek:
-The greatest recorded number of children one mother had was 69 children. Do the math!
-25% of women think money makes a man sexier.
-Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
-Humans, bonobo monkeys, and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
-The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
-Turkeys can reproduce without having sex. It's called parthenogenesis.
-Each day, there are over 120 million sexual intercourse taking place all over the world.
-Snakes have two sex organs.
-A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
-85% of men who die of heart attacks during intercourse, are found to have been cheating on their wives