A Good Fortune

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG !
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he
thinks. Then he hears the
voice again: I SAID, DIG !

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some
inches, he finds a small
chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN !

Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which
to destroy the lock,
and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !

Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest
and walks to the
casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE !

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and
goes to one of the tables,
where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27 !

He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly
bursts. Everybody is quiet
when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stops at the 26.
The deep voice says: SHIT !

Hurt or Heal

I'm sure the majority of people here are familiar with the premise, but just to summarize for those who aren't: you're allowed to add or subtract a total of 4 points to current entries on the list; when an entry gets down to zero points, they're eliminated. The last entry remaining wins.
It doesn't matter how you distribute the points, so long as you don't exceed 4. For example, I could heal Metroid for 4, or damage Super Mario Brothers and Donkey Kong Country for 1 each and heal The Legend of Zelda for 2. Using the votes of other people is not allowed.You can either heal or hurt.

The theme for this game is, obviously, game series.

Advance Wars 20
Castlevania 20
Donkey Kong Country 20
Final Fantasy 20
Gran Turismo 20
Halo 20
The Legend of Zelda 20
Mega Man 20
Metal Gear 20
Metroid 20
Pokemon 20
Resident Evil 20
Sonic 20
Street Fighter 20
Super Mario Brothers 20

To start: Halo -2.
Copy and paste the the last entries...

Two Nuns

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we! do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened! . I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

Why parents have gray hair: joke

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was simply addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Million Dollar Seat for Girls

This is the million dollar worth seat for girls in the picture below.

Sexy Typos

A few of the all-time sexiest cover-letter excerpts, cut-and-pasted here for your intimate pleasure:



“I am looking for work in the Tri-City Area; my schedule is completely open and I am willing to work anytime. I assure you that I am a good, hard person who loves his co-workers.”




. . .and. . .



“You will notice that I didn’t work for part of 2002 because I was at home dick.”




. . .and. . .



“I worked in front office in Russia but I can be trusted to work in your rear.”




. . .and. . .



“I am planning to become a penile corrections officer.”




. . .and. . .



“I am willing to stay late and get dirty.”




. . .and. . .



“I want to grow in my new fellow team members”

Our Main Man of Change

This is how it is!!!

There was a Pied Piper who said, We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change it!
*And the people said, Change is good!

Then he said, We are going to tax the rich fat-cats,*And the people said, Sock it to them!
and redistribute their wealth.
*And the people said, Show me the money!
And then he said, Redistribution of wealth is good for everybody
*And Joe the plumber said, are you kidding me? And Joe's personal records were hacked and publicized.*And one lone reporter asked, Isn't that Marxist policy?
And she was banished from the kingdom!
Then someone asked,With no foreign relations experience, how will you deal with radical terrorists?
And the Pied Piper said, Simple. I'll sit down and talk with them and show them how nice we really are and they'll forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!
Then the Pied Piper said, l'll give 95% of you lower taxes.
*And one, lone voice said, But 40% of us don't pay ANY taxes.
So the Pied Piper said, Then I'll give you some of the taxes the fat-cats pay!
*And the people said, Show me the money!
Then the Pied Piper said, I'll tax your Capital Gains when you sell your homes!
*And the people yawned and the slumping housing market collapsed.
And he said, I'll mandate employer- funded health care for EVERY worker and raise the minimum wage.
*And the people said, Gimme some of that!
Then he said, I'll penalize employers who ship jobs overseas.
*And the people said, Where's my rebate check?
Then the Pied Piper actually said, I'll bankrupt the coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!
*And the people said, Coal is dirty, coal is evil, no more coal! But we don't care for that part about higher electric rates.
So the Pied Piper said, Not to worry. If your rebate isn't enough to cover your expenses, we'll bail you out. Just sign up with ACORN and your troubles are over! Then he said, illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted. Let's grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education, free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and guaranteed housing.
*And the people said, Ole`! Bravo! And they made him King!
And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid off workers. Others simply gave up and went out of business and the economy slowed even further. Then the Pied Piper said, I am the Messiah and I'm here to save you! We'll just print more money so everyone will have enough! But our foreign trading partners said, Wait a minute. Your dollar isn't worth what it was. You'll have to pay more.
*And the people said, Wait a minute. That's not fair!
And the world said, Neither are these other, idiotic programs you've embraced. You've become a Socialist state and a second-rate power. Now you'll play by our rules!
*And the people said, What have we done?
But it was too late.
If you think this is a fairy tale, open your eyes and ears. It's happening RIGHT NOW!
Did you know the president's name is really an acronym OneBigAssMistakeAmerica

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

-Will Rogers

Little Johnny... Know It All

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

Sex Pistol

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem...

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.

At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to cum and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?". The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife pee on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

Amazing English Language Oddities

25. “Rhythms” is the longest English word without the normal vowels, a, e, i, o, or u.

24. Excluding derivatives, there are only two words in English that end -shion and (though many words end in this sound). These are cushion and fashion.

23. “THEREIN” is a seven-letter word that contains thirteen words spelled using consecutive letters: the, he, her, er, here, I, there, ere, rein, re, in, therein, and herein.

22. There is only one common word in English that has five vowels in a row: queueing.

21. Soupspoons is the longest word that consists entirely of letters from the second half of alphabet.

20. “Almost” is the longest commonly used word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.

19. The longest uncommon word whose letters are in alphabetical order is the eight-letter Aegilops (a grass genus).

18. The longest common single-word palindromes are deified, racecar, repaper, reviver, and rotator.

17. “One thousand” contains the letter A, but none of the words from one to nine hundred ninety-nine has an A.

16. “The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” is said to be the toughest tongue twister in English.

15. Cwm (pronounced “koom”, defined as a steep-walled hollow on a hillside) is a rare case of a word used in English in which w is the nucleus vowel, as is crwth (pronounced “krooth”, a type of stringed instrument). Despite their origins in Welsh, they are accepted English words.

14. “Asthma” and “isthmi” are the only six-letter words that begin and end with a vowel and have no other vowels between.

13. The nine-word sequence I, in, sin, sing, sting, string, staring, starting (or starling), startling can be formed by successively adding one letter to the previous word.

12. “Underground” and “underfund” are the only words in the English language that begin and end with the letters “und.”

11. “Stewardesses” is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand.

10. Antidisestablishmentarianism listed in the Oxford English Dictionary, was considered the longest English word for quite a long time, but today the medical term pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is usually considered to have the title, despite the fact that it was coined to provide an answer to the question ‘What is the longest English word?’.

9. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.

8. There are many words that feature all five regular vowels in alphabetical order, the commonest being abstemious, adventitious, facetious.

7. The superlatively long word honorificabilitudinitatibus (27 letters) alternates consonants and vowels.

6. “Fickleheaded” and “fiddledeedee” are the longest words consisting only of letters in the first half of the alphabet.

5. The two longest words with only one of the six vowels including y are the 15-letter defenselessness and respectlessness.

4. “Forty” is the only number which has its letters in alphabetical order. “One” is the only number with its letters in reverse alphabetical order.

3. Bookkeeper is the only word that has three consecutive doubled letters.

2. Despite the assertions of a well-known puzzle, modern English does not have three common words ending in -gry. Angry and hungry are the only ones.

1. “Ough” can be pronounced in eight different ways. The following sentence contains them all: “A rough-coated, dough-faced ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough, coughing and hiccoughing thoughtfully.

Before and After Marriage Actions

BEFORE MARRIAGE!!!!

John: Ah..At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane: Do you want me to leave?
John: No! don't even think about it
Jane: Do you love me?
John: Of Course! Always did and always will
Jane: Have you ever cheated on me?
John: No!Why are you even asking?
Jane: Will you kiss me?
John: Every chance I get!
Jane: Will you hit me?
John: Hell no! Are you crazy?
Jane: Can I trust you?
John: Yes
Jane: Darling

AFTER MARRIAGE!!!

Read from the Bottom back to Top

Meaning of... 'potentially' and 'realistically'

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."

Seven Reasons Why You Shouldn't Mess With A Child

Reasons why you shouldn't mess with a child

Reason 1
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


Reason 2
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."


Reason 3
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."


Reason 4
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


Reason 5
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the teacher, she's dead. "


Reason 6
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."


Reason 7
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take
all you want - God is watching the apples.

How They Have Sex

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

Bilingual Lawyer Joke

Bilingual Lawyer

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Top 16 Police Comments

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16 “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

#15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

#14 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you.”

#11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

#10 “Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

#9 “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

#6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

#5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”

#3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

#2 “I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

AND THE WINNER IS….

#1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

Boyfriend And Husband In Versions Like Web 2.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and PremierLeague 7.2. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed:

Desperate Wife

(keep reading)

- - - - -Reply Separator- - - - -

Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause damage, with Husband 1.0 defaulting to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create “Snoring Loudly” wave files.

Be especially cautious about the HotChik virus – it’s programmed to corrupt Husband 1.0 utterly (as well as all future Husband upgrades).

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

I Hate My Job Day

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully . You will notice that in small print there is a statement:


' Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized . '


Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

.........Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart; Maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!!!

Don't Test My English Horror

You might like it. This is hilarious... ..even
an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to Malaysians and Singaporeans.

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10.


Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....
1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down! I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.

An Absolutely Brilliant Joke | Enjoy

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the
ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman
said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-
she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she
wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make
your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than
you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a
mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't
mess with them.

Attention
female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue
feeling good!

Male
readers: Please scroll down.












The man had a heart attack ten times
"milder" than his wife!!!

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart .

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

This is to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour :)

ENJOY....................