Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details".
He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". the drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. the bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step...
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an aligator with a sore tooth. if you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three...
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. she has never been satisfied by any man. if you can satisfy her, you win the money!"
The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. he belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. he orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem...
In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.
At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to cum and fires the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?". The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife pee on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"
First-year students at Texas A & M's Vet school were attending their first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a White sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, touched his finger in the mouth of the dead pig, withdrew it and put his Finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns putting their finger in the mouth of the dead pig and tasted in their mouth.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second most important quality is observation. I touched with my middle Finger and tasted on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention…
Moral: “Life is tough, but it’s a lot tougher when you’re a stupid”
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Friday, May 15, 2009
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?" "Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Michael Jordan made over $300,000/game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averaged about 30 minutes per game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day (working or not)!
Assuming he slept 7 hrs a night, he made $52,000 every night.
If he goes to a movie, he'll pay $7.00, but he'll make $18,550.
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
In one year, he made more than 2X as much as past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it? . . .
JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS
TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.
Monday, May 11, 2009
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like
an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its said to be true!!!!!
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly
coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without
thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise
there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then,
just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through
the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as
the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so,
gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of
breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible
experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while
we were pushing it!!!!'