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Sunday, August 30, 2009

Australian Joke AKA Aussie Joke

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A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"

The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bruce here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn.
After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.

The Sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit,
so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"

"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bruce here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!...

You fancy comin' along?

Hurt or Heal

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I'm sure the majority of people here are familiar with the premise, but just to summarize for those who aren't: you're allowed to add or subtract a total of 4 points to current entries on the list; when an entry gets down to zero points, they're eliminated. The last entry remaining wins.
It doesn't matter how you distribute the points, so long as you don't exceed 4. For example, I could heal Metroid for 4, or damage Super Mario Brothers and Donkey Kong Country for 1 each and heal The Legend of Zelda for 2. Using the votes of other people is not allowed.You can either heal or hurt.

The theme for this game is, obviously, game series.

Advance Wars 20
Castlevania 20
Donkey Kong Country 20
Final Fantasy 20
Gran Turismo 20
Halo 20
The Legend of Zelda 20
Mega Man 20
Metal Gear 20
Metroid 20
Pokemon 20
Resident Evil 20
Sonic 20
Street Fighter 20
Super Mario Brothers 20

To start: Halo -2.
Copy and paste the the last entries...

Friday, August 28, 2009

An Electric Fence

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Just wanted to let you know I have new electric fence. Tested it out 2 days ago and that it works great!

I had the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the old fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..

Two days ago I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all..

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences......but Dad always had those pieces of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'.. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from itsowner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumb###h now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Economy is so bad

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The Economy Is So Bad That…

* I got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.
* Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
* Parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.
* I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.
* Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
* A prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.
* I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border into Mexico.
* I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.
* Even people who aren’t in Barack Obama’s cabinet aren’t paying taxes.

Oh wait, that’s only 9 of them… darn recession is scaling down everything.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

The Dumb Racist

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So, a guy came to my hosting site to sign up. He comes on live support and says this:

The Dark Assassin: Hello John
John: Hi! How may I help you?
The Dark Assassin: are you a ~censored~?
John: Hello Dark Assassin.
The Dark Assassin: are you a ~censored~?
John: No I'm not. Thanks and have a great day.

Then he comes on this forum and PM's me.

Excuse me?

I never said that, that was not me, I have just gone to your site to sign up


So I ban his IP. He replies.

First off, That is not my Email, Second Off, that isn't my ip address

Please un ban that ip!

Read the last two lines..

Then he cries a bit more.

Well I do because you banned it!!!

Well, if you are going to be a tosspot, and let people do this, then I really hope your site fails


The last two lines just crack me up. Fail.

Oh and guess what he's still coming on live support and crying. Sad. Fail.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Two Nuns

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There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we! do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened! . I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

Monday, August 17, 2009

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

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A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, “T-G-I-F.”

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.”

She looked puzzled and repeated, “T-G-I-F,” more slowly.

He again answered, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F.”

The man smiled back to her and once again, “S-H-I-T.”

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

‘T-G-I-F’ means ‘Thank Goodness It’s Friday.’ Get it, duuhhh?”

The man answered, “‘S-H-I-T’ means ‘Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.’”

Thursday, August 13, 2009

H1N1 Flu Alert [picture]

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If you look like this (see the picture below)in the morning when you wake up then please do not come to office or go to any other place. Scientists have discovered the visual symptom of the H1N1 virus.

PS: on more serious note be really aware!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Heights of Revenge

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The best of all

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Information Technology Humor

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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Thirty-one ways to make a girl smile

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1. Don't hug her friends or your friends that are girls cause she'll feel left out
2. Hold her hand at any moment . . . even if it's just for a second.
3. Hug her from behind
4. Leave her voice messages to wake up.
5. Wrestle with her
6. Don't go hang out with your ex when shes not with you, you might not realize how badly it hurts her.
7. If you're talking to another girl, when you're done talking, walk over and
hug her and kiss her.... let her know she's yours and they aren't.
8. Write her notes or call her just to say "hi"..and not just at night after you've already been out with other girls.
9. Introduce her to your friends . . . as your girlfriend.
10. Play with her hair.
11. Pick her up
12. Get upset if another guy touches her and she doesn't like it.
13. Make her laugh, if you can make her laugh, you can make her do
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms.
15. If she's mad at you, kiss her.
16. If you care about her, then tell her
17. Every guy should give their girl 3 things: a stuffed animal(she'll hug it every time she goes to sleep), jewelry (she'll treasure it forever), and one of his t-shirts (she'll most likely wear it to bed).
18. Treat her the same around your friends as you do when you're alone.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile.
20. Hang out with her on weekends
21. Kiss her in the rain
22. Kiss her just for the heck of it
23. If your listening to music, let her listen too.
24. Remember her birthday and get her something, even if
it's simple and inexpensive, it came from YOU. it means all the world to HER. it's the thought that counts.
25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it, even if you don't (it'll make her happy.)
26. Always call her when you say you will, it may not seem like it, but it does hurt her and makes her think you don't care so call even if you can only talk for a minute. Girls don't necessarily have to have hour-long conversations every night but it's nice for us to hear your voice even for a quick hello.
27. Give her what she wants
28. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most.
29. Tell her she's beautiful, she needs to know her striving is working.
30. Hang out with her whenever you are free and u should be free to hang
with your girlfriend all the time
31. If u care about her...SHOW it!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Tommy Cooper Jokes

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Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message ... 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'

I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

'That's the Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rotweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What, because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy.'

A guy goes into the doctor's.

'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'

'How's that?'

'Don't you start!'

Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's not me so it's either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round.'

The other one says, 'So are you, you fat lump!'

Police arrested two kids yesterday.

One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctor and said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to rise as digging continues into the night