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Thursday, August 23, 2007

Don't Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant

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My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Best Lawyer joke of 2007

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, too."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Marketing 101

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You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed".

That's Direct Marketing.


You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and - pointing at you - says, "He's fantastic in bed".

That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You get her telephone number off one of her friends. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed".

That's Telemarketing.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed".

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed".

That's Brand Recognition.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Dumbest Warnings

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Unknown Air Conditioner:
Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.

Unknown Blow Dryer:
Warning: Do not use while sleeping

White-Westinghouse 1600 Blow Dryer:
Keep away from water

Unknown Japanese Food Processor:
Not to be used for anything else.

Rowenta Iron:
Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.

Unknown Vacuum Cleaner:
1. Do not use to pick up gasoline or flammable liquids 2. Do not use to pick up anything that is currently burning.

Miller Lite:
Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.

McDonald's Coffee:
Warning - Contents may be hot.

7 Up:
Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury. Point away from face and people, especially when opening.

Canada Dry Club Soda:

Warning: Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury. Point away from face and people, especially while opening.

Tesco Fruit Juice Carton:
On bottom side: "Keep Upright".

Sainsburys Mineral Water:

Suitable for vegetarians.

Silk Soy Milk:
Shake well and buy often

Volvic Natural Mineral Water:

Bottle exclusively designed for the use of Volvic Natural Mineral Water. Do not refill.

Moet White Star Champagne:
Warning: Remove label before placing in microwave.

Ballatore Gran Spumante Champagne:
Be careful! Point bottle away from self and others to avoid serious eye injury. Stopper may eject forcefully while you are removing the hood or at any time after hood removal. Bottle contains high pressure which increases with warmth or shaking.

Child-Sized Superman Costume:

Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Unknown Batman Costume:

Warning: Cape does not enable user to fly.

Champion Swimmer Supporter Jockstrap:
This product is only to be prescribed by a physician and fit only by a trained technician.

Unknown Graduation Gown:

Do not wash or dry clean.

Various Computers:
Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Unknown European Camera:
This camera will only work when film is inside.

Various Personal Computers:
On startup: No keyboard detected. Press any key to continue.

Ghost Sh*t

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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put.

Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, what the hell is going on?

The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost.

I Know the Answer, Sir!

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While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb s**ts, it's Tony Blair!"