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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Disorder In Court

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It's worth reading to the end! Those of you who have worked with attorneys will find this very easy to understand...

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Boy's Lesson

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A little white boy was watching his mother in the kitchen making a chocolate cake from scratch. While the mother had her head turned, the little white boy went to the table, dipped both hands in the chocolate frosting and covered his face with it. The mother turned around to see what the boy was doing and said "Boy, what the hell are you doing?"
The son gleefully replied "Look, Mama! I'm black!!!"

The mother became enraged and slapped the crap out of her son. She then said "Boy, go show your father what you've done!"

The boy then walked into the den where his father was reading and said "Look Daddy! I'm black!!! "

The father put his magazine down and had a very puzzled look on his face from seeing the chocolate on the boy's face. The father said "Come here, boy!"

The boy came to him and the father smacked his son across his head. The father angrily said "Now go show your grandpa what you've done!!!"
The boy then slowly walked to his grandpa who was on the porch and said, "Um....Grandpa. Look what I did. I'm black now"
The grandfather said gruffly "COME HERE, BOY!" The grandfather took the boy over his knee and proceeded to spank him. "That'll teach you! Now go back in the kitchen with your mama!!"

The boy walks back in the kitchen and the mother said "I hope you've learned your lesson, young man!"
The boy says with a scowl on his face "Heck yeah! I've been black for 5 minutes and I hate you white mutha f#%kers already.

Blonde Jokes

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What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
Introduces herself and goes home

What does a blonde say when she gets pregnant?
"Gee, I hope it's mine!"

Why did the blonde cross the road?
She doesn't know either

What does a blonde say during a porno?
There I am!!

Why don't blondes talk while having sex?
Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers

What do blondes and turtles have in common?
Once they're on their back, they're screwed

Why did the blondes stare at the orange juice for two hours?
The label said concentrate

What's the mating call for a blonde?
"I think I'm getting drunk."

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever

Monday, October 1, 2007

A special something for all of u hard working people :)

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Son: "Daddy, may I ask you a question"
Daddy: "Yeah sure, what it is?"
Son: "Dad, how much do you make an hour"
Daddy: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"
Son: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
Daddy: "I make Rs. 500 an hour"
"Oh", the little boy replied, with his head down.
Looking up, he said, "Dad, may I please borrow Rs. 300?"
The father was furious, "if the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or other nonsense, then march yourself to your room and go to bed.
Think why you are being so selfish. I work hard every day for such this childish behavior"
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions.
How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:
"May be there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs. 300 and he really didn't ask for money very often!"
The man went to the door of little boy's room and opened the door.
"Are you a! sleep, son?" He asked.
"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.
"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier", said the man,
"It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you.
Here's the Rs.300 you asked for"
The little boy sat straight up, smiling "oh thank you dad!" He yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled some crippled up notes.
The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at his father.
"Why do you want money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.
"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.
"Daddy I have Rs. 500 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?
Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you"

It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life.
! We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.
If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days.
But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.
And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family....