Sunday, June 28, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened
"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked. "Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"? "No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"? "He went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.â€
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment.
"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."
Friday, June 26, 2009
is it Michael Jackson
little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?
mummy: why god is both girl and boy
little boy: mummy is god black or white?
mummy: why god is both black and white
little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?
mummy: why god is both gay and strait
little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?
Monday, June 22, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning
against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and
calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal
question, but he replied, nonetheless," I earn R2 000.00 a month,
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed
R6000.00 cash, gave it to the young man and said,
"Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around
looking pretty! Here is 3 months' salary, now GET OUT and don't
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.
Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner,
"And that applies for everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the
young man that I just fired?"
To which the employee responded quietly, "He was the pizza
delivery man, Sir!"
Many years ago, when I was 23 I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which
the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in
plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the
silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl rite n styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his ~censored~ around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman..
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 01P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 09 P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket
for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on
the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse
you've got there Sir.. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top !
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
A few of the all-time sexiest cover-letter excerpts, cut-and-pasted here for your intimate pleasure:
“I am looking for work in the Tri-City Area; my schedule is completely open and I am willing to work anytime. I assure you that I am a good, hard person who loves his co-workers.”
. . .and. . .
“You will notice that I didn’t work for part of 2002 because I was at home dick.”
. . .and. . .
“I worked in front office in Russia but I can be trusted to work in your rear.”
. . .and. . .
“I am planning to become a penile corrections officer.”
. . .and. . .
“I am willing to stay late and get dirty.”
. . .and. . .
“I want to grow in my new fellow team members”
Thursday, June 4, 2009
This is how it is!!!
There was a Pied Piper who said, We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change it!
*And the people said, Change is good!
Then he said, We are going to tax the rich fat-cats,*And the people said, Sock it to them!
and redistribute their wealth.
*And the people said, Show me the money!
And then he said, Redistribution of wealth is good for everybody
*And Joe the plumber said, are you kidding me? And Joe's personal records were hacked and publicized.*And one lone reporter asked, Isn't that Marxist policy?
And she was banished from the kingdom!
Then someone asked,With no foreign relations experience, how will you deal with radical terrorists?
And the Pied Piper said, Simple. I'll sit down and talk with them and show them how nice we really are and they'll forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!
Then the Pied Piper said, l'll give 95% of you lower taxes.
*And one, lone voice said, But 40% of us don't pay ANY taxes.
So the Pied Piper said, Then I'll give you some of the taxes the fat-cats pay!
*And the people said, Show me the money!
Then the Pied Piper said, I'll tax your Capital Gains when you sell your homes!
*And the people yawned and the slumping housing market collapsed.
And he said, I'll mandate employer- funded health care for EVERY worker and raise the minimum wage.
*And the people said, Gimme some of that!
Then he said, I'll penalize employers who ship jobs overseas.
*And the people said, Where's my rebate check?
Then the Pied Piper actually said, I'll bankrupt the coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!
*And the people said, Coal is dirty, coal is evil, no more coal! But we don't care for that part about higher electric rates.
So the Pied Piper said, Not to worry. If your rebate isn't enough to cover your expenses, we'll bail you out. Just sign up with ACORN and your troubles are over! Then he said, illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted. Let's grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education, free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and guaranteed housing.
*And the people said, Ole`! Bravo! And they made him King!
And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid off workers. Others simply gave up and went out of business and the economy slowed even further. Then the Pied Piper said, I am the Messiah and I'm here to save you! We'll just print more money so everyone will have enough! But our foreign trading partners said, Wait a minute. Your dollar isn't worth what it was. You'll have to pay more.
*And the people said, Wait a minute. That's not fair!
And the world said, Neither are these other, idiotic programs you've embraced. You've become a Socialist state and a second-rate power. Now you'll play by our rules!
*And the people said, What have we done?
But it was too late.
If you think this is a fairy tale, open your eyes and ears. It's happening RIGHT NOW!
Did you know the president's name is really an acronym OneBigAssMistakeAmerica
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Little Johnny asks his mother her age.
She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.
On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"