Onions And Christmas Trees !

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.

Best Top 10 Answering Machine Messages

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slow. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

Statistics About Sex

* 70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.
* Women who respond to sex surveys in magazines like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.
* Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.
* Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.
* Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
* National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.
* In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.
* Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.
* White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.
* Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.
* Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.
* Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.
* Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.
* Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.
* 20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.

How to Talk to Your Child about Jamie Lynn Spears

Here are some questions that your child is likely to ask, followed by the correct answers.


How did Jamie Lynn Spears get pregnant?
According to her mom, Jamie Lynn was a good girl who always respected her curfew and girls like that usually don't get pregnant. So the answer is, no one knows.

Could Kevin Federline have made Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant?
No. This is one of those rare instances when someone got pregnant and Kevin Federline was not involved.

Now that Jamie Lynn is pregnant, will Zoey, the character she plays on Nickelodeon, get pregnant, too?
No. Remember, Jamie Lynn is a real person and Zoey is just a made-up character. Plus, Nickelodeon is owned by an angry old man named Sumner Redstone who doesn't let people get pregnant. So there is absolutely no way Zoey will get pregnant. Instead, Zoey will get cancelled.

Could Hannah Montana get pregnant?
I thought we already went through this. Hannah Montana isn't a real person. She's a character played by Miley Cyrus.

Okay, then could Miley Cyrus get pregnant?
No, because her dad's always around and he creeps boys out.

Are the girls on Disney's High School Musical pregnant?
No, the girls on Disney's "High School Musical" are not pregnant. They have been too busy posing for naked pictures on the Internet to get pregnant.

Warning: Supermarket Scam !!

A warning for you and any of your friends who may be regular customers at
Tesco!

Over the last couple of weeks I have become the victim of a clever scam
while out shopping.

Simply going out to get some shopping turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works.....

Two seriously good looking late teen/early twenty-something year old girls
come over to your car as you are loading your shopping into the boot.

They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and windowlene, with
their cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to have a good look. When you thank them and offer
them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to another
shopping centre.

You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs
over into the front seat and performs oral on you, while the other one
steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on November the 14th, 19th and 21st, twice on the
24th and 26th, three times on the 28th, twice just yesterday,

and very likely again this coming weekend as soon as I can buy some more
wallets.

Car Ad Dictionary

What Car Ad really means.

* Must sell - Before it blows up.
* Many new parts - I'm sick of dumping money into this broken down heap.
* Appraised at $29,000 - By me.
* Frame-off Restoration - The body actually rusted right off the frame.
* Needs Front-End Alignment - Some serious frame-straightening wouldn't hurt either.
* Same Owner For Last 20 Years - I'd never dream of selling it unless it was as bad as it is.
* Must See To Appreciate - It's a scientific mystery as to how a car with bad valves, a cracked block, and no bands left in the transmission can still get to the end of the driveway and back.
* Needs Minor Work - Needs significant work.
* Needs Nothing - Except a tow truck.
* All Original - Except for the tunnel ram intake, Pro Stock hoodscoop, KMart sunroof, fender flares by Bondo, Krylon paint job, hurky air shocks, mohair upholstery, Pep Boy stereo, and pawn shop wheels.
* Ready To Restore - After 8 years of abuse on the drag strip and 20 years in a yield exposed to the elements, it is ready to be restored.
* Easy Project Car - Completely disassembled, bring boxes!
* Minor Rust - Don't sit down!
* Minor Rust - Major rust you can't see.
* Minor Rust - I though I had it all covered with bondo, but you can still see some rust.
* Low Mileage - Only 170,000.
* Faster than a 'Vette - A Chevette.
* Convertible - After driving under truck.
* Runs Great - Too bad it doesn't roll.
* Third Owner - To see the light and get rid of this piece of junk.
* Nice Stereo - To overcome exhaust noise.
* Good Investment - Can't be worth much less.
* California Car - And has been since it arrived from Cleveland three weeks ago.
* Numbers-Matching - The price in my ad matches the number of dollars I'd like to get for it.
* Original Hemi Engine - Just installed it last week.
* Authentic - To bad the VIN doesn't match up.
* Fast - Compared to a Geo Metro.
* Looks Great - In dim light.
* Always Garaged - That's because it would never run long enough for me to get it out of the garage.
* Needs Paint - To cover rust.
* New Paint - Beautifully covers rust.
* Solid as a rock - Rusted solid
* Clean - I will vacuum up the 6 month old French Fries 10 minutes before you see the car.
* Over $20,000 Invested - And that was just to get it to run.
* Restored, With 0 Miles - Won't start.
* Restored, With 2 Miles - Won't stay running.
* Older Restoration - First owner washed it.
* One Owner - I couldn't even give it away.
* Fully Loaded - Seller is too.
* All Options - 8-track player.
* 95% Complete - Can't find the other 5%.
* 95% Complete - Everything except the engine.
* Low Miles - Ever since the odometer was turned back.
* Only 59,000 Miles - Actually 359,000 miles.
* Rare Model - One of only 500,000 made.
* Good Transportation - It's ugly as sin.
* Must Sell - Before the law finds seller.
* Must Sell - Need bail money.
* Must Sell - My wife just bought new furniture; again.
* Sure to Appreciate - Yeah, that's why I'm selling it.
* Summer Fun - Roof leaks in winter.
* Summer Fun - Won't make it to fall.
* Reliable - Don't leave the neighborhood.
* Clean - Homeless dude at 5th and Main did the windows.
* Runs fine - I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.
* Daily Driver - 400 miles a day.
* Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is race day.
* Engine Rebuilt - Engine degreased to look it.
* Doesn't Smoke - No oil to burn, or 90wt oil.
* Trans. Rebuilt - Fine sawdust used to make it quiet.
* 4 Speed Gearbox - 5th gear is dead.
* Engine Blueprinted - I don't know what that means either.
* Hurry, Won't Last - Neither will the car.
* Needs some body work - Was side-swiped by a Winnebago.
* New Tires - Retreads years ago.
* Or Best Offer - I'm guessing at the price here.
* Well Maintained - I occasionally changed the oil.
* Well Maintained - Oil changed every other leap year.
* Drives Like a Dream - A nightmare.
* No Time To Restore It - Can't find the parts.
* Never Smoked In - Unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.
* Needs Minor Repair - Doesn't run.
* Needs Minor Overhaul - Needs engine.
* Needs Major Overhaul - Phone the junkyard.
* Car Cover - To help keep out rats.
* Always Garaged - Embarrassed to leave it outside.
* Looks like new - Just don't try to drive it anywhere.
* Rough Condition - Too bad to lie about.
* Family Owned - Driven by 6 teenagers.
* Restoration Started - The rest of the car has been in boxes since 1992.
* Fully Restored - Nothing original.
* All Original - I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
* Desireable Classic - No one wants it.
* Rare Classic - No one wanted it, even when it was new.
* Stored 20 Years - In a farmer's field.
* Ran When Stored - But doesn't start now.
* Never Apart - Bolts too rounded to loosen.
* Smog Exempt - DMV doesn't think so.
* Tags Till Next Year - Stolen year sticker.
* Excellent Gas Mileage - It's slow.
* Project Car - I can't figure out how to finish it, and I doubt you will either.
* Moving, Must Sell - Off to jail, need bail money.
* No Disappointments - Once you hand me the cash, I promise I won't be disappointed.
* Loaded with Options - None of them work.
* Loaded with Options - Each one more troublesome than the last.
* Burns No Oil - It all leaks out.
* Rebuilt Engine - Cleaned the spark plugs.
* Drive It Away - I live on a hill.
* Drive It Anywhere - Within 10 miles.
* Rare Option - Because the factory never offered it.
* Motivated Seller - Motivated to get the hell out of town.
* Lots of Potential - To drive you insane.
* Engine Quite - Uses 90-weight oil.
* Parts Car - Beyond repair.
* Immaculate - Recently washed.
* Concours Condition - Recently waxed.
* 95 Point Car - You think that is impressive, you should see the points on my driving record.
* Show Winner - Once got third place in the 1983 Eastern Iowa Star Trek Convention - but that was before the rust got really bad.
* Other Interests Conflict - Spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #!!@&## thing goes or I do!"

Car Accident

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know
about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned
into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt,
so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway,
I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt
when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you >will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Things To do Before You Die (PIC)

No body loves to die, but someday we gotta die. But before our death there are things which we can do before we die. Check out the funny pictures below which can be some inspiration to you.





Now, i guess you have made your mind what to do next ? :)

Johnny And Jenny

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they
just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so
Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me
and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith
replies, "Well Johnny,you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny
replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both
fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says
with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to
get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance..
Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine"
By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny
has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying
to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr.Smith says, "Well Johnny,it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for
you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Mr. Smith faints.............

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes using Foot Table

I bet you can learn chinese language in just 5 minutes, check the picture below. I got the table foot for you to learn chinese below



Have you ever seen Table with foot ?

20 things not to do in a drive food lane

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

Observations by Billy Connolly

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, K**bhead?
10. People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be." So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks "Is that nice?" No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.
14. When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Fashion - Getting Low, Lower & Lowest Trend ?

The New "Getting Low Fashion" is gaining popularity nowadays. Here I have included some hot plus funny pictures of Low Fashion Trend. Enjoy the pictures of Low Fashion

Wedding Query Geek Style (SQL)

This joke is a SQL style (Geeks) Wedding Query Language. I am sure you all geeks out there will laugh after reading this joke which is really funny and geeky. This joke can be understandable to geeks very easily.

CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
BrideGroom Male (25) ,
Bride Female(20) AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM india_ Brides
WHERE FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND Count(Car) > 20 AND HouseStatus ='ThreeStoreyed'
AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MiBA) AND Having Brothers= Null AND Sisters =Null

SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalanceFROM FatherInLaw
UPDATEMyBankAccout SETMyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal
UPDATEMyLockerSET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold
INSERT INTOMyCarShed VALUES('BMW')

END

GO


Then the wife writes the below query:

DROP HUSBAND;
Commit;

Wasn't that funny ?

Chance to Win four tickets to the 2008 Beijing Olympics

YOUR CHANCE TO WIN 4 TICKETS AND ALL EXPENSES PAID INCLUDING AIR FARE AND HOTEL TO THE 2008 OLYMPIC GAMES IN BEIJING,CHINA.

To participate in this contest is easy, just view the photo below and correctly answer the following questions.
Send your answers to: International Olympic Committee, Private Bag, Lausanne, Switzerland. The first 10,000 correct entries will win.


1. Which student seems to appear tired/sleepy?

2. Which ones are male twins?

3. Which ones are the female twins?

4. How many women are in the group?

5. Which one is the teacher?


Wish You Good Luck!




Was that too tough?

Now, I guess you are not going either.

Hilarious Blonde Jokes

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of
Picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to
My ear."
"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the
Other ear?"

"The son of a bltch called back!"


Blonde Joke's Effect
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

Hilarious Lawyer Jokes

A Lawyer Named Strange:

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:

He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

United Way & a Lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Original And Pirated Movies: The Bitter Truth

This is what you get when you go for pirated movies instead of original. Even the cover of the cd/dvd you are buying makes you laugh and confirms 100% pirated movies. You can blindly differentiate pirated Movies and original movies like in the funny pictures below.

SCARY MOVIE





AMERICAN BEAUTY





KOREAN MOVIE





KILL BILL





KUNGFU HUSTLE





THE GRADUATE

Coolest Comedy Video clips

If you can't give up your smoking habit, be cautious after watching this video clip.



Believe me Jesus Christ is singing a parody song. This video is hilarious.

An Honest Lawyer

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

Lawyer Vs Farmer

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,

"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"