What Car Ad really means.
* Must sell - Before it blows up.
* Many new parts - I'm sick of dumping money into this broken down heap.
* Appraised at $29,000 - By me.
* Frame-off Restoration - The body actually rusted right off the frame.
* Needs Front-End Alignment - Some serious frame-straightening wouldn't hurt either.
* Same Owner For Last 20 Years - I'd never dream of selling it unless it was as bad as it is.
* Must See To Appreciate - It's a scientific mystery as to how a car with bad valves, a cracked block, and no bands left in the transmission can still get to the end of the driveway and back.
* Needs Minor Work - Needs significant work.
* Needs Nothing - Except a tow truck.
* All Original - Except for the tunnel ram intake, Pro Stock hoodscoop, KMart sunroof, fender flares by Bondo, Krylon paint job, hurky air shocks, mohair upholstery, Pep Boy stereo, and pawn shop wheels.
* Ready To Restore - After 8 years of abuse on the drag strip and 20 years in a yield exposed to the elements, it is ready to be restored.
* Easy Project Car - Completely disassembled, bring boxes!
* Minor Rust - Don't sit down!
* Minor Rust - Major rust you can't see.
* Minor Rust - I though I had it all covered with bondo, but you can still see some rust.
* Low Mileage - Only 170,000.
* Faster than a 'Vette - A Chevette.
* Convertible - After driving under truck.
* Runs Great - Too bad it doesn't roll.
* Third Owner - To see the light and get rid of this piece of junk.
* Nice Stereo - To overcome exhaust noise.
* Good Investment - Can't be worth much less.
* California Car - And has been since it arrived from Cleveland three weeks ago.
* Numbers-Matching - The price in my ad matches the number of dollars I'd like to get for it.
* Original Hemi Engine - Just installed it last week.
* Authentic - To bad the VIN doesn't match up.
* Fast - Compared to a Geo Metro.
* Looks Great - In dim light.
* Always Garaged - That's because it would never run long enough for me to get it out of the garage.
* Needs Paint - To cover rust.
* New Paint - Beautifully covers rust.
* Solid as a rock - Rusted solid
* Clean - I will vacuum up the 6 month old French Fries 10 minutes before you see the car.
* Over $20,000 Invested - And that was just to get it to run.
* Restored, With 0 Miles - Won't start.
* Restored, With 2 Miles - Won't stay running.
* Older Restoration - First owner washed it.
* One Owner - I couldn't even give it away.
* Fully Loaded - Seller is too.
* All Options - 8-track player.
* 95% Complete - Can't find the other 5%.
* 95% Complete - Everything except the engine.
* Low Miles - Ever since the odometer was turned back.
* Only 59,000 Miles - Actually 359,000 miles.
* Rare Model - One of only 500,000 made.
* Good Transportation - It's ugly as sin.
* Must Sell - Before the law finds seller.
* Must Sell - Need bail money.
* Must Sell - My wife just bought new furniture; again.
* Sure to Appreciate - Yeah, that's why I'm selling it.
* Summer Fun - Roof leaks in winter.
* Summer Fun - Won't make it to fall.
* Reliable - Don't leave the neighborhood.
* Clean - Homeless dude at 5th and Main did the windows.
* Runs fine - I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.
* Daily Driver - 400 miles a day.
* Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is race day.
* Engine Rebuilt - Engine degreased to look it.
* Doesn't Smoke - No oil to burn, or 90wt oil.
* Trans. Rebuilt - Fine sawdust used to make it quiet.
* 4 Speed Gearbox - 5th gear is dead.
* Engine Blueprinted - I don't know what that means either.
* Hurry, Won't Last - Neither will the car.
* Needs some body work - Was side-swiped by a Winnebago.
* New Tires - Retreads years ago.
* Or Best Offer - I'm guessing at the price here.
* Well Maintained - I occasionally changed the oil.
* Well Maintained - Oil changed every other leap year.
* Drives Like a Dream - A nightmare.
* No Time To Restore It - Can't find the parts.
* Never Smoked In - Unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.
* Needs Minor Repair - Doesn't run.
* Needs Minor Overhaul - Needs engine.
* Needs Major Overhaul - Phone the junkyard.
* Car Cover - To help keep out rats.
* Always Garaged - Embarrassed to leave it outside.
* Looks like new - Just don't try to drive it anywhere.
* Rough Condition - Too bad to lie about.
* Family Owned - Driven by 6 teenagers.
* Restoration Started - The rest of the car has been in boxes since 1992.
* Fully Restored - Nothing original.
* All Original - I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
* Desireable Classic - No one wants it.
* Rare Classic - No one wanted it, even when it was new.
* Stored 20 Years - In a farmer's field.
* Ran When Stored - But doesn't start now.
* Never Apart - Bolts too rounded to loosen.
* Smog Exempt - DMV doesn't think so.
* Tags Till Next Year - Stolen year sticker.
* Excellent Gas Mileage - It's slow.
* Project Car - I can't figure out how to finish it, and I doubt you will either.
* Moving, Must Sell - Off to jail, need bail money.
* No Disappointments - Once you hand me the cash, I promise I won't be disappointed.
* Loaded with Options - None of them work.
* Loaded with Options - Each one more troublesome than the last.
* Burns No Oil - It all leaks out.
* Rebuilt Engine - Cleaned the spark plugs.
* Drive It Away - I live on a hill.
* Drive It Anywhere - Within 10 miles.
* Rare Option - Because the factory never offered it.
* Motivated Seller - Motivated to get the hell out of town.
* Lots of Potential - To drive you insane.
* Engine Quite - Uses 90-weight oil.
* Parts Car - Beyond repair.
* Immaculate - Recently washed.
* Concours Condition - Recently waxed.
* 95 Point Car - You think that is impressive, you should see the points on my driving record.
* Show Winner - Once got third place in the 1983 Eastern Iowa Star Trek Convention - but that was before the rust got really bad.
* Other Interests Conflict - Spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #!!@# thing goes or I do!"
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
What Car Ad really means.