Onions And Christmas Trees !

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.

Best Top 10 Answering Machine Messages

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slow. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

Statistics About Sex

* 70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.
* Women who respond to sex surveys in magazines like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.
* Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.
* Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.
* Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
* National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.
* In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.
* Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.
* White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.
* Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.
* Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.
* Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.
* Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.
* Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.
* 20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.

How to Talk to Your Child about Jamie Lynn Spears

Here are some questions that your child is likely to ask, followed by the correct answers.


How did Jamie Lynn Spears get pregnant?
According to her mom, Jamie Lynn was a good girl who always respected her curfew and girls like that usually don't get pregnant. So the answer is, no one knows.

Could Kevin Federline have made Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant?
No. This is one of those rare instances when someone got pregnant and Kevin Federline was not involved.

Now that Jamie Lynn is pregnant, will Zoey, the character she plays on Nickelodeon, get pregnant, too?
No. Remember, Jamie Lynn is a real person and Zoey is just a made-up character. Plus, Nickelodeon is owned by an angry old man named Sumner Redstone who doesn't let people get pregnant. So there is absolutely no way Zoey will get pregnant. Instead, Zoey will get cancelled.

Could Hannah Montana get pregnant?
I thought we already went through this. Hannah Montana isn't a real person. She's a character played by Miley Cyrus.

Okay, then could Miley Cyrus get pregnant?
No, because her dad's always around and he creeps boys out.

Are the girls on Disney's High School Musical pregnant?
No, the girls on Disney's "High School Musical" are not pregnant. They have been too busy posing for naked pictures on the Internet to get pregnant.

Warning: Supermarket Scam !!

A warning for you and any of your friends who may be regular customers at
Tesco!

Over the last couple of weeks I have become the victim of a clever scam
while out shopping.

Simply going out to get some shopping turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works.....

Two seriously good looking late teen/early twenty-something year old girls
come over to your car as you are loading your shopping into the boot.

They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and windowlene, with
their cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to have a good look. When you thank them and offer
them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to another
shopping centre.

You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs
over into the front seat and performs oral on you, while the other one
steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on November the 14th, 19th and 21st, twice on the
24th and 26th, three times on the 28th, twice just yesterday,

and very likely again this coming weekend as soon as I can buy some more
wallets.

Car Ad Dictionary

What Car Ad really means.

* Must sell - Before it blows up.
* Many new parts - I'm sick of dumping money into this broken down heap.
* Appraised at $29,000 - By me.
* Frame-off Restoration - The body actually rusted right off the frame.
* Needs Front-End Alignment - Some serious frame-straightening wouldn't hurt either.
* Same Owner For Last 20 Years - I'd never dream of selling it unless it was as bad as it is.
* Must See To Appreciate - It's a scientific mystery as to how a car with bad valves, a cracked block, and no bands left in the transmission can still get to the end of the driveway and back.
* Needs Minor Work - Needs significant work.
* Needs Nothing - Except a tow truck.
* All Original - Except for the tunnel ram intake, Pro Stock hoodscoop, KMart sunroof, fender flares by Bondo, Krylon paint job, hurky air shocks, mohair upholstery, Pep Boy stereo, and pawn shop wheels.
* Ready To Restore - After 8 years of abuse on the drag strip and 20 years in a yield exposed to the elements, it is ready to be restored.
* Easy Project Car - Completely disassembled, bring boxes!
* Minor Rust - Don't sit down!
* Minor Rust - Major rust you can't see.
* Minor Rust - I though I had it all covered with bondo, but you can still see some rust.
* Low Mileage - Only 170,000.
* Faster than a 'Vette - A Chevette.
* Convertible - After driving under truck.
* Runs Great - Too bad it doesn't roll.
* Third Owner - To see the light and get rid of this piece of junk.
* Nice Stereo - To overcome exhaust noise.
* Good Investment - Can't be worth much less.
* California Car - And has been since it arrived from Cleveland three weeks ago.
* Numbers-Matching - The price in my ad matches the number of dollars I'd like to get for it.
* Original Hemi Engine - Just installed it last week.
* Authentic - To bad the VIN doesn't match up.
* Fast - Compared to a Geo Metro.
* Looks Great - In dim light.
* Always Garaged - That's because it would never run long enough for me to get it out of the garage.
* Needs Paint - To cover rust.
* New Paint - Beautifully covers rust.
* Solid as a rock - Rusted solid
* Clean - I will vacuum up the 6 month old French Fries 10 minutes before you see the car.
* Over $20,000 Invested - And that was just to get it to run.
* Restored, With 0 Miles - Won't start.
* Restored, With 2 Miles - Won't stay running.
* Older Restoration - First owner washed it.
* One Owner - I couldn't even give it away.
* Fully Loaded - Seller is too.
* All Options - 8-track player.
* 95% Complete - Can't find the other 5%.
* 95% Complete - Everything except the engine.
* Low Miles - Ever since the odometer was turned back.
* Only 59,000 Miles - Actually 359,000 miles.
* Rare Model - One of only 500,000 made.
* Good Transportation - It's ugly as sin.
* Must Sell - Before the law finds seller.
* Must Sell - Need bail money.
* Must Sell - My wife just bought new furniture; again.
* Sure to Appreciate - Yeah, that's why I'm selling it.
* Summer Fun - Roof leaks in winter.
* Summer Fun - Won't make it to fall.
* Reliable - Don't leave the neighborhood.
* Clean - Homeless dude at 5th and Main did the windows.
* Runs fine - I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.
* Daily Driver - 400 miles a day.
* Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is race day.
* Engine Rebuilt - Engine degreased to look it.
* Doesn't Smoke - No oil to burn, or 90wt oil.
* Trans. Rebuilt - Fine sawdust used to make it quiet.
* 4 Speed Gearbox - 5th gear is dead.
* Engine Blueprinted - I don't know what that means either.
* Hurry, Won't Last - Neither will the car.
* Needs some body work - Was side-swiped by a Winnebago.
* New Tires - Retreads years ago.
* Or Best Offer - I'm guessing at the price here.
* Well Maintained - I occasionally changed the oil.
* Well Maintained - Oil changed every other leap year.
* Drives Like a Dream - A nightmare.
* No Time To Restore It - Can't find the parts.
* Never Smoked In - Unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.
* Needs Minor Repair - Doesn't run.
* Needs Minor Overhaul - Needs engine.
* Needs Major Overhaul - Phone the junkyard.
* Car Cover - To help keep out rats.
* Always Garaged - Embarrassed to leave it outside.
* Looks like new - Just don't try to drive it anywhere.
* Rough Condition - Too bad to lie about.
* Family Owned - Driven by 6 teenagers.
* Restoration Started - The rest of the car has been in boxes since 1992.
* Fully Restored - Nothing original.
* All Original - I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
* Desireable Classic - No one wants it.
* Rare Classic - No one wanted it, even when it was new.
* Stored 20 Years - In a farmer's field.
* Ran When Stored - But doesn't start now.
* Never Apart - Bolts too rounded to loosen.
* Smog Exempt - DMV doesn't think so.
* Tags Till Next Year - Stolen year sticker.
* Excellent Gas Mileage - It's slow.
* Project Car - I can't figure out how to finish it, and I doubt you will either.
* Moving, Must Sell - Off to jail, need bail money.
* No Disappointments - Once you hand me the cash, I promise I won't be disappointed.
* Loaded with Options - None of them work.
* Loaded with Options - Each one more troublesome than the last.
* Burns No Oil - It all leaks out.
* Rebuilt Engine - Cleaned the spark plugs.
* Drive It Away - I live on a hill.
* Drive It Anywhere - Within 10 miles.
* Rare Option - Because the factory never offered it.
* Motivated Seller - Motivated to get the hell out of town.
* Lots of Potential - To drive you insane.
* Engine Quite - Uses 90-weight oil.
* Parts Car - Beyond repair.
* Immaculate - Recently washed.
* Concours Condition - Recently waxed.
* 95 Point Car - You think that is impressive, you should see the points on my driving record.
* Show Winner - Once got third place in the 1983 Eastern Iowa Star Trek Convention - but that was before the rust got really bad.
* Other Interests Conflict - Spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #!!@&## thing goes or I do!"

Car Accident

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know
about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned
into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt,
so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway,
I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt
when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you >will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Things To do Before You Die (PIC)

No body loves to die, but someday we gotta die. But before our death there are things which we can do before we die. Check out the funny pictures below which can be some inspiration to you.





Now, i guess you have made your mind what to do next ? :)

Johnny And Jenny

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they
just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so
Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me
and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith
replies, "Well Johnny,you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny
replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both
fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says
with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to
get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance..
Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine"
By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny
has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying
to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr.Smith says, "Well Johnny,it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for
you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Mr. Smith faints.............

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes using Foot Table

I bet you can learn chinese language in just 5 minutes, check the picture below. I got the table foot for you to learn chinese below



Have you ever seen Table with foot ?

20 things not to do in a drive food lane

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

Observations by Billy Connolly

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, K**bhead?
10. People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be." So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks "Is that nice?" No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.
14. When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Fashion - Getting Low, Lower & Lowest Trend ?

The New "Getting Low Fashion" is gaining popularity nowadays. Here I have included some hot plus funny pictures of Low Fashion Trend. Enjoy the pictures of Low Fashion

Wedding Query Geek Style (SQL)

This joke is a SQL style (Geeks) Wedding Query Language. I am sure you all geeks out there will laugh after reading this joke which is really funny and geeky. This joke can be understandable to geeks very easily.

CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
BrideGroom Male (25) ,
Bride Female(20) AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM india_ Brides
WHERE FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND Count(Car) > 20 AND HouseStatus ='ThreeStoreyed'
AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MiBA) AND Having Brothers= Null AND Sisters =Null

SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalanceFROM FatherInLaw
UPDATEMyBankAccout SETMyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal
UPDATEMyLockerSET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold
INSERT INTOMyCarShed VALUES('BMW')

END

GO


Then the wife writes the below query:

DROP HUSBAND;
Commit;

Wasn't that funny ?

Chance to Win four tickets to the 2008 Beijing Olympics

YOUR CHANCE TO WIN 4 TICKETS AND ALL EXPENSES PAID INCLUDING AIR FARE AND HOTEL TO THE 2008 OLYMPIC GAMES IN BEIJING,CHINA.

To participate in this contest is easy, just view the photo below and correctly answer the following questions.
Send your answers to: International Olympic Committee, Private Bag, Lausanne, Switzerland. The first 10,000 correct entries will win.


1. Which student seems to appear tired/sleepy?

2. Which ones are male twins?

3. Which ones are the female twins?

4. How many women are in the group?

5. Which one is the teacher?


Wish You Good Luck!




Was that too tough?

Now, I guess you are not going either.

Hilarious Blonde Jokes

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of
Picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to
My ear."
"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the
Other ear?"

"The son of a bltch called back!"


Blonde Joke's Effect
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

Hilarious Lawyer Jokes

A Lawyer Named Strange:

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:

He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

United Way & a Lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Original And Pirated Movies: The Bitter Truth

This is what you get when you go for pirated movies instead of original. Even the cover of the cd/dvd you are buying makes you laugh and confirms 100% pirated movies. You can blindly differentiate pirated Movies and original movies like in the funny pictures below.

SCARY MOVIE





AMERICAN BEAUTY





KOREAN MOVIE





KILL BILL





KUNGFU HUSTLE





THE GRADUATE

Coolest Comedy Video clips

If you can't give up your smoking habit, be cautious after watching this video clip.



Believe me Jesus Christ is singing a parody song. This video is hilarious.

An Honest Lawyer

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

Lawyer Vs Farmer

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,

"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"

The farmer and the pig

A man was out for a walk one day and on his travels he wandered through a farm. Strangely, he saw a pig with a wooden leg! This intrigued him so much that he found the farmer and quizzed him about it.
“This is no ordinary pig,” said the farmer. “For example, only two days ago there was a fire in the chicken shed when I was away from the farm. The pig noticed this and immediately went and let all the chickens out into the yard. He then phoned for the fire brigade and came straight back to hold the fire until they arrived!”
“And a few weeks ago, I was driving my tractor down a steep hill, when I lost control and the vehicle overturned, knocking me unconscious! The pig saw this, phoned for the ambulance and then rushed to the tractor and pulled me clear of the cab just before it set on fire.” The farmer was just about to launch into another tale when the man said “Yes, yes, but what about the wooden leg?” “Well,” said the farmer, “When you’ve got a pig as good
as that, you don’t eat it
all at once!”

Dealing With A Lawyer

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."


A Lawyer Story

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Coolest Lawyer Joke

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

The Blondes have become smart

There was lawyer and a blonde sitting on a plane together. The lawyer decided to play a betting game with the blonde girl. The rules were simple: they ask each other a question each. If the blonde answers right, she gets $50, and if the lawyer gets the question right he gets 5$. After much insistance, the blonde agreed to play. The lawyer thought that he will win for sure, especially against a blonde.

So the Lawyer asked the Blonde the distance between Earth and the Sun. The Blonde did not know the answer, so she handed the lawyer a 5 dollar bill.

The Blonde now asked the lawyer: what goes up the hill with two legs and comes down with 3?

The lawyer was now puzzled and utterly confused. Opening his laptop, he could not find it! He reluctantly gave the blonde a 50 dollar bill.

Then the lawyer asked the blonde in anger: What is the answer?

the Blonde smiled and handed the lawyer a 5 dollar bill.

Thus, the Blonde became smarter than the Lawyer. Amazing, is it not?

Tech Support Encounters Dumb Customers

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

==========================

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No,wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my
desk... sorry....


==========================

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello.. I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

==========================

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try,

it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in

front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


==========================

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

==========================
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.


Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
== =============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.


Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?


Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.


Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?


Customer: Five stars.
=============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?


Customer: Netscape.


Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.


Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.



===============



Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.




===============


Tech support: How may I help you?


Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.


Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?


Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it?



===============





A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.


Tech support: Are you running it under windows?


Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The
man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is
working fine."





And last but not least...





Tech support:"Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."


Customer: I don't have a P.


Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.


Customer: What do you mean?


Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.


Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Funniest Photos of all time Part II

Sorry, for delay on this one, I was feeling lazy to attach the funniest photos of all time. Now without delay here we go with Part II funniest photos.

Optical Illusion

Heeey..

Here is a nice illusion...
You think there are all black dotts, but when you focus you will not see it:p
just look at it:p



Now, that's called ILLUSION

Always Listen to friends

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

Top 10 reasons to go to work naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

The Rat and Frog

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."

The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.

The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night." The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."

Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.

The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat." The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.

The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"

The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a vantriliqist"

Why Hitler lost the War

This is why Hitler lost the war.

Things You Don't See Everyday

These are the funny pictures i assembled for all of you which you don't see everyday in your life. Enjoy funny pictures.

SARDAR Is Back

Sardar to his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It's already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go. *


*
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first. *

* *

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except one Sardarji.
He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"


*

Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet
Sardar: - why did U come so far. Instead U could Have posted it.... *

* *


A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide your kids, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR


*

Sardar's wish: when I die, I wana die like my Grandpa who died peacefully in
his sleep not Screaming like all d passengers in d car he was Driving.. *

* * * *
*
A Teacher lecturing on population:

"In Indi a after every 10 secs a women gives birth to a kid. "
A Sardar stands up- "We must find & stop her!. " *


*
A man: "Sardarji, tell me, why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in the evening
not in the morning?"

Sardarji: ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.*


*
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last Words.
And finds It means "U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!" *


*
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing.
He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping. *


*
Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?

Guess what...
To avoid side effects!!! *


*Man: Sardarji where were U born?
Sardarji: Punjab .
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body Is born in Punjab Yaar".
*


*
Lawyer to Sardar: "Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke...... "
Sardar :"Yeh kya, Sita pe haath lagaya to court mein Bulaya. Ab fir Gita pe
haath!!" *


**



*
Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me.
I don't know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and
says "please recharge your card" *


*
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni
painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them
rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two
Coats" *


*
A sardar was drawing money from ATM,

The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur
password. Its 4 asterisks (****). "
The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258" *


*
Q:) How do U recognize a sardar in school or College???
A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the
blackboard... BOLO tarara!! *


*
Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale?
A:) Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept........ *


*
Santa Singh MBBS
After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice.
He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears
using a torch.
Finally he said Battery is Ok !!! *

Male assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

Gay Man Gets Aids

A gay man has been sleeping around with all the guys in town, he notices theres something wrong so goes to the doctors for an aids test, unfortunatly the results come back postitve.

he asks the doctor"is there anything i can do to stop this"

the doctor tells him to eat 4 full cabbages, 25 green chillies, 25 red chillies, lots of curry and the spicyiest indian dishes he can find.

"But how will this cure aids doctor?" asked the man


the doctor replies "It wont but it'll show you what a fucking arse hole's for!"

Sex With Teacher- Little Johnny

One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was.
He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!"
Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!"
So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy.
"Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?"
So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"
The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"

School 1967 Vs 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1967 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1967 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.



Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1967 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.

1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.



Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1967 - Ants die.

2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Team's investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.



Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1967 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

The Sound Of Music

A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard, and all of a sudden he hears
some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a
headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played
backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return
with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being
played backwards. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again
backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the
reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day, the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the
grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the
group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."

The Heat Is On

A 5 year old girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk
down
the street and back?"

Mum replies, "No, dear, she's on heat."
The little girl replied,"no she's not sat on anything warm, so can I
take
her for a walk"
Mum replies " no it's not that kind of heat, its her season time"

What does that mean?" asked the child.

Mum replies, "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for
a
walk down the street and back? I asked Mum, but she said that Belle
was on
heat and to come to you to tell me what that meant."

As her dad was busy working on an old car he was restoring, which
wasn't
going too well, he was in no mood to explain the ins and outs of what
on
heat meant and the 50 WHY questions that would go with it. He sighed,
thought for a moment and said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with
it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle
on
the
leash and only go once down the street and back again."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with just the
leash,
and no dog.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the
block,
so another dog is pushing her home."

Larry's Beer

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is being unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anyone who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"


"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.


Now tell me, where exactly is Larry's Bar?"

Little Johnny: Moral

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

What Really pissed me off!

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender,

"I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Election In US

Election In US 2008 is getting heated up and of course protests also. Here are some funny pictures about Election in US 2008