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Friday, November 30, 2007

The farmer and the pig

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A man was out for a walk one day and on his travels he wandered through a farm. Strangely, he saw a pig with a wooden leg! This intrigued him so much that he found the farmer and quizzed him about it.
“This is no ordinary pig,” said the farmer. “For example, only two days ago there was a fire in the chicken shed when I was away from the farm. The pig noticed this and immediately went and let all the chickens out into the yard. He then phoned for the fire brigade and came straight back to hold the fire until they arrived!”
“And a few weeks ago, I was driving my tractor down a steep hill, when I lost control and the vehicle overturned, knocking me unconscious! The pig saw this, phoned for the ambulance and then rushed to the tractor and pulled me clear of the cab just before it set on fire.” The farmer was just about to launch into another tale when the man said “Yes, yes, but what about the wooden leg?” “Well,” said the farmer, “When you’ve got a pig as good
as that, you don’t eat it
all at once!”

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Dealing With A Lawyer

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A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."


A Lawyer Story

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Coolest Lawyer Joke

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Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

The Blondes have become smart

There was lawyer and a blonde sitting on a plane together. The lawyer decided to play a betting game with the blonde girl. The rules were simple: they ask each other a question each. If the blonde answers right, she gets $50, and if the lawyer gets the question right he gets 5$. After much insistance, the blonde agreed to play. The lawyer thought that he will win for sure, especially against a blonde.

So the Lawyer asked the Blonde the distance between Earth and the Sun. The Blonde did not know the answer, so she handed the lawyer a 5 dollar bill.

The Blonde now asked the lawyer: what goes up the hill with two legs and comes down with 3?

The lawyer was now puzzled and utterly confused. Opening his laptop, he could not find it! He reluctantly gave the blonde a 50 dollar bill.

Then the lawyer asked the blonde in anger: What is the answer?

the Blonde smiled and handed the lawyer a 5 dollar bill.

Thus, the Blonde became smarter than the Lawyer. Amazing, is it not?

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Tech Support Encounters Dumb Customers

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Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

==========================

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No,wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my
desk... sorry....


==========================

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello.. I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

==========================

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try,

it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in

front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


==========================

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

==========================
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.


Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
== =============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.


Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?


Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.


Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?


Customer: Five stars.
=============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?


Customer: Netscape.


Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.


Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.



===============



Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.




===============


Tech support: How may I help you?


Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.


Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?


Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it?



===============





A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.


Tech support: Are you running it under windows?


Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The
man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is
working fine."





And last but not least...





Tech support:"Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."


Customer: I don't have a P.


Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.


Customer: What do you mean?


Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.


Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Funniest Photos of all time Part II

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Sorry, for delay on this one, I was feeling lazy to attach the funniest photos of all time. Now without delay here we go with Part II funniest photos.







Optical Illusion

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Heeey..

Here is a nice illusion...
You think there are all black dotts, but when you focus you will not see it:p
just look at it:p



Now, that's called ILLUSION

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Always Listen to friends

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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Top 10 reasons to go to work naked

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1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Rat and Frog

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A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."

The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.

The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night." The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."

Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.

The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat." The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.

The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"

The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a vantriliqist"

Why Hitler lost the War

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This is why Hitler lost the war.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Things You Don't See Everyday

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These are the funny pictures i assembled for all of you which you don't see everyday in your life. Enjoy funny pictures.














SARDAR Is Back

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Sardar to his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It's already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go. *


*
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first. *

* *

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except one Sardarji.
He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"


*

Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet
Sardar: - why did U come so far. Instead U could Have posted it.... *

* *


A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide your kids, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR


*

Sardar's wish: when I die, I wana die like my Grandpa who died peacefully in
his sleep not Screaming like all d passengers in d car he was Driving.. *

* * * *
*
A Teacher lecturing on population:

"In Indi a after every 10 secs a women gives birth to a kid. "
A Sardar stands up- "We must find & stop her!. " *


*
A man: "Sardarji, tell me, why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in the evening
not in the morning?"

Sardarji: ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.*


*
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last Words.
And finds It means "U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!" *


*
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing.
He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping. *


*
Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?

Guess what...
To avoid side effects!!! *


*Man: Sardarji where were U born?
Sardarji: Punjab .
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body Is born in Punjab Yaar".
*


*
Lawyer to Sardar: "Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke...... "
Sardar :"Yeh kya, Sita pe haath lagaya to court mein Bulaya. Ab fir Gita pe
haath!!" *


**



*
Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me.
I don't know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and
says "please recharge your card" *


*
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni
painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them
rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two
Coats" *


*
A sardar was drawing money from ATM,

The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur
password. Its 4 asterisks (****). "
The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258" *


*
Q:) How do U recognize a sardar in school or College???
A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the
blackboard... BOLO tarara!! *


*
Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale?
A:) Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept........ *


*
Santa Singh MBBS
After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice.
He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears
using a torch.
Finally he said Battery is Ok !!! *

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Male assertiveness

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A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

Gay Man Gets Aids

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A gay man has been sleeping around with all the guys in town, he notices theres something wrong so goes to the doctors for an aids test, unfortunatly the results come back postitve.

he asks the doctor"is there anything i can do to stop this"

the doctor tells him to eat 4 full cabbages, 25 green chillies, 25 red chillies, lots of curry and the spicyiest indian dishes he can find.

"But how will this cure aids doctor?" asked the man


the doctor replies "It wont but it'll show you what a fucking arse hole's for!"

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Sex With Teacher- Little Johnny

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One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was.
He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!"
Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!"
So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy.
"Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?"
So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"
The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"

School 1967 Vs 2007

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Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1967 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1967 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.



Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1967 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.

1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.



Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1967 - Ants die.

2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Team's investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.



Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1967 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

The Sound Of Music

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A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard, and all of a sudden he hears
some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a
headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played
backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return
with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being
played backwards. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again
backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the
reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day, the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the
grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the
group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Heat Is On

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A 5 year old girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk
down
the street and back?"

Mum replies, "No, dear, she's on heat."
The little girl replied,"no she's not sat on anything warm, so can I
take
her for a walk"
Mum replies " no it's not that kind of heat, its her season time"

What does that mean?" asked the child.

Mum replies, "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for
a
walk down the street and back? I asked Mum, but she said that Belle
was on
heat and to come to you to tell me what that meant."

As her dad was busy working on an old car he was restoring, which
wasn't
going too well, he was in no mood to explain the ins and outs of what
on
heat meant and the 50 WHY questions that would go with it. He sighed,
thought for a moment and said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with
it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle
on
the
leash and only go once down the street and back again."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with just the
leash,
and no dog.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the
block,
so another dog is pushing her home."

Larry's Beer

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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is being unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anyone who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"


"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.


Now tell me, where exactly is Larry's Bar?"

Little Johnny: Moral

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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

What Really pissed me off!

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Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender,

"I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Election In US

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Election In US 2008 is getting heated up and of course protests also. Here are some funny pictures about Election in US 2008







Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Cyber Sex

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Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of Cybersex. Then again, maybe he does....

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner. It's smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you! Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hands suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly...I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing you hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take of my panties!

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you... ummm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking!

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit! I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover!

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your... you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooooo!

Sweetheart: Bye!!!

What you see is not always what you get

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This video is really funny. Just watch and enjoy


www.Tu.tv

Jokes For Men

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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
And I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Monday, November 12, 2007

Beer Contains Female Hormones

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Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Fatal Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife

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Fatal Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife

17. "I finished the Oreo's."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

7 Life Lessons I Learned Playing Halo

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Yesterday, I had a blast playing Halo 3 for the first time after hearing so much about the game. It lead me to reflect on the countless hours I’ve poured into the Halo series over the past 6 years. Sure, I might not have much to show for it, but that time was thoroughly enjoyed. In retrospect, I even learned some important life lessons that could help me succeed.



1. Hesitation is death
- In Halo, nothing will get you cracked on the back of the skull faster than hesitation. The same is true in real life. If you waste time worrying about what your competitors are doing, you’ll never succeed. Sure, if you take a chance you might get burned, but you need to accept that risk and make a move. If you fail, learn from the experience and try again. Success comes from being aggressive and actively seeking opportunities.

2. Success requires experience - Obviously natural skill contributes to Halo success, but what really makes a solid player is experience. If you jump into a game without understanding the geography of the map or the capabilities of the various weapons, you won’t stand a chance against an equally skilled player who does. The lesson here is that to acquire an expertise, you need to put in the time to learn the basics. If you don’t know the medium you’re working in, you’ll be strategically disadvantaged.

3. You can’t win without teamwork – In team Halo matches, the ability of players to work together is more important than individual skill. A group of solo artists working against a unified team will constantly be isolated and overwhelmed. To be successful you need to sacrifice personal glory to watch your buddy’s back. Once you can get past ego and start to cooperate with others there will be more success for everyone.

4. Anticipation is the key to victory – The key to making a sweet kill in Halo is knowing what your opponent is going to do before he does. This comes from experience and pattern recognition. When you can anticipate, you can place yourself in the ideal position to bury your competitors before they have the time to adjust.

5. Leverage your strengths – The world of Halo is extremely diverse. Between the numerous weapon strengths, ranges, and combinations, there is an infinite number of ways to make a kill. Different playing styles lend themselves to different strategies. You’ll be much more successful if you can recognize your personal strengths and put yourself in a position to capitalize on them while hiding your weaknesses.

6. Winning comes in streaks
– Anyone who’s played much Halo has experienced streaks. One day you’re dead on, killing everyone in sight. The next, you’re getting dominated and can’t seem to find a rhythm. Streaks are part of any high functioning activity. Some days you just can’t concentrate a well as others. The lesson here is that you need to recognize your streaks so you can weather the bad ones and make the most of the good ones.

7. The Devil’s in the details – To the untrained eye, a Halo match looks like a bunch of maniacs running around shooting. In truth, it’s a precise ballet of intelligent players reacting to each other and the environment. The difference between life and death can be as small as the angle of a grenade toss or the decision to reload. The same is true in real life. You need to pay attention to all the tiny details that contribute to success or failure.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

MSN Conversation: The Funny One

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Some idiot adds me on msn, then trys to talk..

I'm so in love with you...never take that away** says:
i seek nothing

I'm so in love with you...never take that away** says:
nuby.

And we grow old.. says:
Horrible attempt at humor.

I'm so in love with you...never take that away** says:
it wasent an attempt to humor

I'm so in love with you...never take that away** says:
geez.

I'm so in love with you...never take that away** says:
your illogical corrupted human force can't substaine mine, fooh!

And we grow old.. says:
Then was it attempt at idiocy? In that case you succeeded.

I'm so in love with you...never take that away** says:
jerk

I'm so in love with you...never take that away** says:
hush

And we grow old.. says:
If you're going to say random, ultimately un-needed, things expect people to be angered.

I'm so in love with you...never take that away** says:
well , accutaly im tlking to you when i say these things so wouldent it be "someone" to be angered instead of people?

And we grow old.. says:
No, someone would be incorrect grammar.

I'm so in love with you...never take that away** says:
like i care

I'm so in love with you...never take that away** says:
pshhhttt

And we grow old.. says:
If you don't care you shouldn't try to correct me.

I'm so in love with you...never take that away** says:
but your always wrong

And we grow old.. says:
But you don't care though, correct?

I'm so in love with you...never take that away** says:
yes, im always correct.

And we grow old.. says:
And I'm always wrong?

And we grow old.. says:
Yet I was correct about you not caring, right?

I'm so in love with you...never take that away** says:
no, i care.

And we grow old.. says:
You just said you did not..

Voodoo Penis

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A girl walks into a sexshop and she looks around.
She sees many toys but she doesnt know which one to pick.
So she walks up to the counter and asks the storeowner what the best dildo is at this time.
The owner shows her a few models but she isnt satisfied.
Then the owner says that he has this new model, just out on the market: The Voodoopenis.
He explains her how to use it.
You have to throw it up in the air, say its name twice and name the place you want it to 'work on'.
The woman buys it, gets in her car and takes off.
While driving she realises that the man told a pretty unbelievable story, but she decides to give it a try.
She throws it up in the air and says: VoodooPenis, VoodooPenis between my legs.
The VoodooPenis responds immedeately. While driving the woman is almost reaching an orgasm and starts drivin like a nutjob.
A cop spots her and after a small chase he pulls her over. He walks up to her car and asks if she drank too much.
She replies that its not due to drinking but because of her voodoopenis.
The cop offcourse doesnt believe it and replies: VoodooPenis? VoodooPenis my ass!!

DOCTORS VISIT

An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

Funniest Pictures of All Time Part II

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Boobies



Bridge



CAREFULLY



CAT



CAUTION



CRUELWORLD



FATE



FIREWALL



HE SAW YOU



HE IS WATCHING YOU

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Funniest Pictures Of All Time Part I

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The Funniest pictures of all time that you can enjoy and also can learn something from these pictures.

Proof




SORRY


A SPY


ACT OF DEFIANCE



ANTI-GRAVITY



AMERICA SEE US LIKE THAT

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Drunken Texts

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The Eleven Types of Drunken Texts


1) The "fishing" text.


This text is normally along the lines of: "So wot u up 2 later?" or "U out tonight?", or simply "Oceana?"
Despite appearing innocent at first, its intentions are far from it. Generally sent at around 3am, this should be translated as:
"Im drunk, horny and haven't pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? “
(Typical success rate is around 10%.)

The main determinates of a successful "fishing" text are the amount of alcohol in the person receiving the text, how filthy/desperate they are, and your marginal propensity to fall asleep whilst texting.

A "fishing" text is at its worst when sent to an ex. Just don’t do it! Remove his/her number from your phone IMMEDIATELY, or try simply putting "No" after/before her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself.


2) Predictive “~censored~-ups”


The predicative text software loaded onto nearly all mobile phones, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.

Some favourites:

"Sorry still outside the club. ~censored~ steve." (queue)


"wish I was inside your gorgeous aunt right now" (c*nt)


“Ready and raping to go!” (raring)


The local pub in town is called the crown. So when my mate, Dave, asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up:

''fancy gettin food in the crown?''

It was inevitably written as:

''fancy gettin done in the brown?''


"Can't wait to be licking your puppy” (pussy)


"Fancy a dual?" (f*ck)

Fortunately, the girl receiving saw the funny side and sent the following reply:

"Andy, unfortunately I hav no desire 2 don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a "dual". Oh, and I certainly dont want sex with u!"


"It's ok, no hurry, I've got aids" (ages)


“Gassy new year!!!" (happy)


"come on over... I have wind" (wine)


My friend Steve text me when we were planning a trip to Alton Towers:

“I can't wait to have a go on all the sheep!” (rides)


“Put your coal into my puppy” (~censored~ & pussy)


I asked my mate if he had any plans one evening quite late:
"Wife open, definitely not sleeping!" Was his reply! (wide)


Whilst preparing for a play:
“Have you got the rapist ready yet” (script)

“Spank me when u get here” (Prank)



3) The "friend locator" text

One of the only types of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Picture the following situation:

You've just met some chick and your mates have ~censored~ off to leave you to it. At which point she realises your chat stinks and she makes an excuse to go find her friends. You are left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your friends several times before realising they will not be able to hear their mobiles ring. Your solution is to send the following message:


"Wher u? Ho on dancefloor" Or some other incomprehensible crap.

This situation is exasperated when you realise you have ~censored~ all signal and must accept the fact u will be paying for the entire taxi fare home. Or, alternatively, play that game outside the club where you go up to someone you vaguely recognise, asking "Clapham anyone?”


4) "Declarations of undying love"

No doubt the most embarrassing of the drunken texts. Do you recognise any of the following?

"You are the most beautiful girl in the world!" - Ergh!

"I love u!"

"Love you millions"

“If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I’d put u and I together”

"Missing you!" / "I miss you so much!"


It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure with every succeeding love text x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Naturally, of course, there is nothing wrong with declarations of undying love but they are best steered away from if you are unlikely to remember them when you wake in the morning with a dry tongue and a throbbing headache. Because I promise you that YOU may have forgotten what you sent the night before but SHE / HE won’t and she will have the evidence in her inbox


5) "Family texts"

Doesn’t happen that often, but to those few who accidentally text their parents or other family members, it can be disastrous.

Relatives most likely to receive messages are those who are dangerously close to “fitties” in the phone book. For example: "Dad" will be located near "Dave" or “Danni” alphabetically.

My favourites:

"Im c*nted where are you?" (sent by a friend to their mother. They didn’t speak for a week or so)

"U wanna stay at mine tonite?" (ooh dear)

And the worst case...Text sex!!!

"Ill start at ur nipples and lick my way south until im licking and sucking ur wet... (you go)"

The above isn't actually an urban myth and genuinely did happen to my cousin. The receiving dad would not let it go lightly and it became his standard party trick to tell in front of other relatives at Christmases and birthdays! You have been warned!


6) "~love~, ~censored~ & bollocks text!"

The name is derived from the noise you make after sending it!
It typically occurs when you are writing a text that ~censored~ about someone or reveals that you fancy someone. Their name sticks in your head when you're about to send to it... and BANG! The wrong person gets the very message of which they are the subject.

Of course, this can have advantages, For example, you can create a double bluff. Want to make your ex-girlfriend jealous? Easy, send a message to her that was meant for your fictional new hot lover.

For the cheaters among us, this type of text is can wreak havoc. I seem to recall breaking up after incorrectly sending my girlfriend at the time this message:

“Thanks for last night, it was awesome, u free Friday?”

Despite my claims that the evidence was purely circumstantial, she soon showed me the door


7) Singing Texts
Ever caught yourself texting song lyrics? Shocking really isn't it!


Cool "The One Eyed Text"

By 1am focusing has become difficult, darn right impossible in fact. But far from deterred, your alcohol fuelled brain discovers you can remain focused on the message provided you close one eye.

9) Pre-lash booty check texts

A sister to the "fishing text", the pre-lash booty text is sent in between the hours of 9pm and midnight generally whilst pre-lashing. The innocent "You out tonight?" sent to someone you fancy is again far from it.

It should be translated as, "Just checking your out in case I need to find u for some sex later."
A gentleman receiving such a text will make it their mission to ensure they end up in the same club as the sender, bullying his mates into going to that club. Dates before mates is poor form in my book!

I pre-warn any girls thinking of sending this text! Lets be honest, you sound desperate!


10)The "reminder" text

Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The "reminder" text is just that. You have realised just how pissed you are and that in the morning you will remember nothing. You therefore send yourself reminders for the morning.

Examples:

"Say sorry to Kelly"
"U lent Boycey £40"
"Key is under bin"

11) The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition".

Strictly speaking, this is not a text message. However, I still felt it needed to be included. The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition" occurs at a highly intoxicated moment in the evening when you cant remember the name of the person you've just spent the last few hours talking with / just woken up next to! To spare yourself the embarrassment of asking "What’s your name again?", you decide to hand them your phone instead and get them to type it in!!! Works a charm, but they normally figure out why you're doing it!!!!

Internet Girls Are Fat

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You better not trust Avtar that are displayed on forums. You gotta check the funny picture below proving my claim.







Now the time of THE LINUX GIRLS

Check her Nice back for the Linux LOGO of Penguin

Roles in Heaven In Geek World

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I got this joke in my mailbox today, i find it very interesting and comedy. I feel like i should share this to you all through my fun blog. This joke is all related to Mythological Characters (gods name) and Geek Characters (Information Technology names). So, ENJOY and laugh.

Brahma

Systems Installation


Vishnu

Systems
Administration & Support


Lakshmi
Finance and
Accounts consultant


Saraswati

Training
and Knowledge Management


Shiva

DBA (Crash Specialist)


Ganesh

Quality
Assurance & Documentation





Narada

Data transfer





Yama
Reorganization
& Downsizing Consultant


Chitragupta
IDP &
Personal Records


Apsaras
Downloadable
Viruses



Devas

Mainframe
Programmers


Surya

Solaris
Administrator


Rakshasas
In
house Hackers


Raavan

Internet
Explorer www




Lakshman

Support
Software and Backup


Hanuman
Linux/s390



Jatayu

Firewall


Dronacharya
System
Programmer


Vishwamitra

Sr.
Manager Projects




Valmiki

Technical
Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)


Krishna
SDLC
( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle )


Arjun

Lead
Programmer (all companies are vying for him)


Abhimanyu
Trainee
Programmer


Draupadi
Motivation
& Team building


Bhima
MAINFRAME
LEGACY SYSTEM


Duryodhana
Microsoft
product Written in VB


Karna
Contract
programmer


Dhrutarashtra

Visual
C++


Gandhari
Dreamweaver

100 Kauravas
Microsoft
Service Packs and
patches

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Rules of The Relationship

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For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect
in every relationship.

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which
was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.

7. If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing
the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the
female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be
angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants
him to be calm, angry or upset.

13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.

14. The female always gets the last word!

(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are
null and void under the PMS Exception Law

The Best Lawyer Joke

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Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.
At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought
only one ticket between them.

How are you going to travel on a single ticket?í asked a lawyer.

Wait and watch,í answered one of the engineers.


When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three
engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly
after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet
door and asked,

Ticket please.

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The ticket collector took it and moved on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.

So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their
astonishment, the engineers didn't buy any.

How are you going to travel without a ticket? asked one of the perplexed lawyers.

Wait and watch, answered an engineer.

In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers
into another ~Censored~.

Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, Ticket, please.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Why Women can't Work in IT

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Friends, this picture show definitely that women can't work in IT because they care about makeups all time :)And the Blondes, they just simply cannot work at all.



Never Satisfied

Women's Dictionary For Men

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DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish................49
Adventurous................Slept with everyone
Athletic................No tits
Average looking................Ugly
Beautiful.........Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure...............On medication
Feminist................Fat
Free spirit................Junkie
Friendship first................Former slut
Fun................Annoying
New Age................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned................No BJs
Open-minded................Desperate
Outgoing................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate................Sloppy drunk
Professional................Bitch
Voluptuous................Very Fat
Sociable Drinker..........2 Drinks and I am anybody's
Large frame................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker


WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think
about?


MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
7. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay


A recent scientific study found that women find different male Faces
attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For
example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged,
masculine features.

And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set
on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up
his ass.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Try to Avoid Embarrasment

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Picture speaks again...







Drinks Reveal Your Personality

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Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.


Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.


Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................


Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.


Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.


Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!


Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.




THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple e and clear cut:


Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.


Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.


Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.


Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.


Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.


White Zinfandel: He's gay

Little Sally

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Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother.

"Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty!


Never visit rich people !!

Question : "What would you like to have .Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo , or Coffee ?"
Answer : "tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : " Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"
Answer : "white"
Question : "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer : "With milk "
Question : "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer : "With cow milk please.
Question : " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer : " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question : " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer : "With sugar"
Question : " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer : "Cane sugar "
Question :" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer : "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question : "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer : "Mineral water"
Question : "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer : "I'll rather die of thirst".

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Kylie Minogue showing sexy moves video

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I have never seen Kylie Minogue So SEXY before watching this video.. Emm I m loving this vidoe, you guys enjoy now..
Well video speaks than words.

Funny Soccer sex video

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Here is one of the funniest soccer clip i have ever watched.




I guess you all will love it.


Nike's The Mission (Banned Funny commercial)




Watch N Laugh

Eye Test For Men

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Why don't you men test your eye using the picture in this post. After you see the picture in this post then you can assume whether your eye is good or bad :)



Hope the picture above gave your eye some relief.

Men Are Happier People Now

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Men Are Happier People --

>> > Your last name stays put.
>> > The garage is all yours.
>> > Wedding plans take care of themselves.
>> > Chocolate is just another snack.
>> > You can never be pregnant.
>> > You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
>> > You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
>> > Car mechanics tell you the truth.
>> > The world is your urinal.
>> > You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
>> > You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
>> > Same work, more pay.
>> > Wrinkles add character.
>> > Wedding dress £2000. Tux rental-£100.
>> > People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
>> > The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
>> > New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
>> > One mood all the time.
>> > Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
>> > You know stuff about tanks.
>> > A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
>> > You can open all your own jars.
>> > You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
>> > If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
>> > Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
>> > Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
>> > You almost never have strap problems in public.
>> > You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
>> > Everything on your face stays its original colour.
>> > The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
>> > You only have to shave your face and neck.
>> > You can play with toys all your life.
>> > One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour for all seasons.
>> > You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
>> > You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
>> > You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
>> > You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
>> > No wonder men are happier.


Sunday afternoon

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year
old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony
with an ice block and tell him to report on all the neighborhood
activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company, he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board...."

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with an ice block."